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Thoughts...

A former roommate and good friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic, and has a magnet on her fridge with a little poem that's probably become one of the AA mantras or something, and, while some part of me thinks that should lessen the effect, since I've never really had any dependency or addiction issues, I can't help that any time I read it, or even think about it, I get emotional over what it means, because of longing to know how truly relaxed one could be in an interaction with another soul who is genuinely equal.

“Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.”

—Albert Camus


I can't imagine it in my head without feeling overwhelmed with a longing for that friend— one who is no better, no worse... who does not see him or herself as teacher or student or leader or follower, not wanting or needing anything, not taking or giving anything, just being... being the self that he or she is, evenly accepting everything about you that makes you who you are, and willingly being connected to the person you are, because it is his or her choice to be all that he or she is in the same space that you are being everything that you are, and, so, the two of you just take the journey of life that each of you will take, walking together, side by side, toward whatever you will find along the road.

When one stumbles, the other will reach out a hand to help get him or her picked up, dusted off, and back on his or her feet, with nothing more to say or do than to keep moving forward, and, it will always be natural for either to do so for the other, with no ulterior expectations between them that anything else should be necessary for either but to always be certain that the other is steadfast in the direction that he or she has chosen, because both have a desire for each other to always be able to do so.

How I long to believe that such a friend exists.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
pisces3857
Jul. 20th, 2006 12:31 am (UTC)
Exist in general? For me, yes, besides dddragonlady there is also buccaneer.

For yourself - well, maybe you shouldn't look too far for what you seek.
karmasoup
Jul. 20th, 2006 04:49 am (UTC)
Well, hello there....
Didn't know anyone ever actually read any of this stuff. So, you must know something I don't know... I guess I've just been feeling pretty isolated lately.

It's an odd space for a person as social as I am to feel so disconnected from the world and alone, even when I'm not.

I don't think I realized that's what I was thinking when I wrote this... not sure what I thought. I don't really generally like to wax too apprehensive even in only semi public... I may delete this later.... still getting used to this whole LJ concept... seems kinda odd to me yet, don't always really know how to react to rehashing vulnerable moments in time that have since become semi-permanent.

Bleah. I'm starting to irritate myself, so, I'm shutting up now.... I'm not too fond of insecurity, even if only temporary... feels too fragile for me, I think. I know you're supposed to give yourself permission to experience everything in life that is naturally human, but, I'm much too much of a control freak to put up with it for long. It's like I hear this whiny voice in the back of my head, and, some other part of my more conscious mind says, gheezys, will someone backhand that simpering wuss and get her to shut the fuck up so we can put her out of our misery???

So, yeah, pardon me for bleeding on anyone's blue suede shoes.
falterfrei
Jul. 20th, 2006 03:10 pm (UTC)
Re: Well, hello there....
I don't comment all that often, but I wanted you to know that I always greatly enjoy reading what you do post. You have a lovely, almost lyrical way with words and a deep and meaningful perspective on life that makes your entries a joy to read, even when the tone is more melancholy.

If, however, you want to vent and post to LJ without worrying about other people reading it, there is a "private" option to the security settings when you post, which means you would be the only one who could read it. Now, I am *not* saying this because I don't enjoy reading everything you write; only because you mentioned being a bit nervous about having other people read your thoughts when you're feeling vulnerable or insecure.
pisces3857
Jul. 21st, 2006 12:51 pm (UTC)
Re: Well, hello there....
So, yeah, pardon me for bleeding on anyone's blue suede shoes.

'S'okay - people do it all the time. It's why we're there for each other.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )