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The World According to Karma

Mandate Destiny

I would never presume to claim that I know everything, or that my way is always best, and yet, there have been some times when I’ve become convinced, looking around at how dysfunctional our broken down system of human interaction has gotten these days, that certain aspects of how the world works could be so much easier on everyone, if only I would be allowed to make a few minor tweaks here and there.

To wit, I give you the following
Top Ten Reasons Everything Would Be Better If I Had My Way


To begin with, I would:
# 10.   …Remove Overused, Ignorant, Obnoxious, Meaningless Phrases from Language


  • “I/he/she was all, like” (where ‘was all’ appears in place of a verb)

  • “Y’know,” “KnowhuddImean/KnowhatImsayin?” (where syllables are indistinguishable)

  • “LITERALLY” (where the word is inaccurately used and inappropriately stressed)

  • “F Y I, by the way” (where the letters are spoken)

  • “Outside the box” (where you’re neither as original nor as clever as you think you are)



Each abuser of the preceding expressions (as well as others to be added later – check the official list regularly) will be required to pay a toll to any casual listener with a more intelligent command of speech, the rate of which may be determined by the most skilled communicator within earshot.  If no such orator may be found, a general tax may be levied against the offending party, to be paid into a general pool for funding public education, directed toward the improvement of diction and grammar.


  • “No offense/I don’t mean to be rude, BUT,”



In general, one can most often assume that any sentence which begins with a declaratory proclamation of no intent to harm, followed by a “BUT,” automatically negates any half-hearted attempt at an almost feigned apology, as well as the entirety of the statement which preceded that particular conjunction.   Therefore, it shall be at the discretion of the receiving party of such a proclamation to administer to the issuer upon his completion of such a statement a swift kick to his nether region.  Should the issuer choose to run prior to receiving the appropriate penalty, the receiver may maintain the rights to deliver said penalty without warning at any other interval offering such conditions as when both are properly positioned to allow for doing so.

This same penalty may also be applied to persons making simple conversation overly complex with the use of unnecessarily large words, when simpler versions would otherwise suffice.  (i.e., “utilize” instead of “use,” etc.)  The accused may potentially escape penalty by both 1, providing a verifiably accurate definition of the word(s) in question, AND 2, offering an acceptable defense for the use of the more complex word in place of the more obvious choice.


  • “I don’t know what to tell ya”

  • “It is what it is”

  • “Whatever”



These indifferent, dispassionate, dismissive substitutions for legitimate personal empathy and understanding add no inherent value to any exchange between people.   Therefore, the presenter of such trite tripe may be required to submit to a type of mobile solitary confinement, in which no other person may interact with him/her throughout everyday life until such time as he/she can demonstrate that he/she has obtained at least a general comprehension of genuine compassion.


#9.      …Abolish SPAM and L337 $P34K


Nothing good ever has ever come from either of these useless forms of attempts at communication.  But I don’t have to complain about it for my own sake.  I’m much less concerned with my own personal annoyance over them than I am vindicated by the passion with which they are despised by The Darwinatrix.  I don’t have to establish some complex system of collecting data on transgressors, followed by some more intricate form of retribution.  In the case of this particular type of infraction, The Darwinatrix will take care of that for me.  I am simply content to be assured that you are on her hit list.  She will find you.  And you will be punished.


#8.      …Make Asinine Phone Usage Painful (for the perpetrator)


  • Talking/Texting on cellphones when at a register while a counterperson is trying to process the transaction (Customers)

  • Ignoring live customers in favor of phone use (Retail personnel)

  • Talking on cell phones in otherwise quiet public locations (movies, performances, the library, bus/subway, public restrooms, etc.) at length about personal matters

  • Talking LOUDLY (about anything) on cellphones in public

  • Talking/Texting in the presence of/to the exclusion of friends/dates/family, etc.

  • Talking/Texting while operating a vehicle to the exclusion of proper attention/control of said vehicle



It’s understandable that in certain circumstances, one may have to briefly step out of an otherwise focused environment to accept or make a brief contact with another party, such as to confirm an appointment date/time, give/receive a test result/news, etc.  However, users who frequently commit prolonged public “overexposure” to inconsiderate phone uses will have their phone devices confiscated, and replaced with a surgically implanted blue-tooth style model.  This model will function much as the previous version did, however, it may not be removed without irreparable damage to the bearer, and will monitor duration and decibel level compared against GPS location, and when these in combination violate programmed parameters, it will administer a small dose of a mild animal tranquilizer injected directly into the bloodstream, which will cause the infringing party to pass out for a short burst, to awaken after three minutes or so with a massive headache.


#7.      …Moderate Public Establishment PA System Announcements


  • Incomprehensible gibberish no human ear can interpret

  • Unprofessional /dimwitted / moronic speaking habits

  • Broken, unintelligible English to primarily English speaking listeners

  • Faulty audio mechanics

  • Broadcast messages that end with a clattering receiver



All PA transmissions will be relayed through smart AI filters that interpret sound and language quality.  Any transmissions which do not pass socially acceptable standards will be censored, and replaced with a prerecorded message delivered in a soothing voiceover.

"Pardon the interruption.  A public announcement cannot be played at this time, as the PA system operator attempting to administer the announcement is incompetent.  Please listen to the music while the operator is replaced with a more proficient speaker, or the transmission is canceled.  Thank you for your patience.”



#6.      …Eliminate Insensitive Music Intrusions


  • Loud, obnoxious singing along with a personal listening device

  • Music played through headphones loud enough to invalidate the effect of headphones



See #8.


  • Music played loud enough from a car to be heard across eight lines of traffic for three miles in any direction



All auto transport passageways will be equipped with subterranean e-m-p field devices calibrated to trigger in localized bursts at decibel levels outside of accepted program parameters, rendering the wrongdoing vehicle immediately inoperable.


#5.      …Penalize Sunday Drivers

  • Slow drivers in the fast lane



I've got nothing extravagant for this one.  I'm simply thinking laws shall be passed which would allow for them to be shot on sight, clean and simple.


#4.      …Eradicate Impatient Boarding

  • Trying to get on the Elevator/Bus/Subway before letting disembarking passengers get off



Sensors in the passage doors will account for enough time passing for passengers to depart.  If movement through the entrance in is attempted prior to the cessation of movement through the entrance out, the sensors will activate a directional trigger that will spray only the embarking passenger about the ankles, knees, and calves with a good healthy dousing of brilliant crimson red paint.


#3.      …Restrict Personal Space Invasion


  • Shoulder surfing so close I can smell your breath

  • Putting fingers on my computer screen



My workspace comes customized with a highly sensitive proximity detector that releases a boxing glove filled with cement from an accordion-expandable support frame directly into the general vicinity of the tresspasser, which will either render the miscreant unconscious, or cause him to take a step back.  Whichever should happen to be the end result, problem solved.


#2.      …Reduce Inefficiency / Anti Conservational Behaviors


  • Using the ____________ down to the last ____________ without getting a new ____________.



— Milk / drop / bottle
— Bread / end slice crumbs / loaf
— Toilet paper / few squares / roll
— ...etc. etc. etc.


Frequent delinquents of this nature will be required to work the express lane checkout counter at a Walmart on the edge of a trailer park during a price rollback frenzy; one hour per offense.


#1.      …Minimize Ignorant Proselytizing


  • Presenting recycled uneducated regurgitation of unsubstantiated conservative or leftist propaganda as fact to rally support, rile opponents, and instigate hot-tempered debates without even the aid of so much as a Google search to confirm or deny supposed shocking truths, incendiary outrages, or appalling statistics



Culprits will be hounded by bored paparazzi and written up in scandalous exposés by the most inventive of out-of-work bottom-feeding media hacks from the supermarket tabloid circuit for viral internet marketing releases across multiple mainstream channels.



Now, of course, while you may be inclined to call me a narcissist at wanting my way in these matters, do first bear in mind that, many of these suggested solutions will require the capacity of technology to catch up to a level at which they may be implemented; however, rest assured that those with the ability to bring about such advancements in science and technology already have laid out alternative schemes for permanently vanquishing generic asshattery once and for all from the face of the planet, to which my more benevolent options pale in comparison, and in their world, there would be little room for second chances.  Trust me, we're all better off my way.

So, really, what does narcissism have to do with me?  The fact is, you’re probably better off asking, what does it have to do with all of us.  Because, you see, you may not be ready to admit it just yet, but we all know that in reality, the geek shall inherit the earth.  You can run, but you cannot hide from the inevitable truth that we are rapidly hurtling towards a stage of evolution in which we’ll be the only ones who are left in the world with the power to control it.

      After all…

We are geek.  Resistance is futile.


LJ Idol | Season 8Week 4 - Topic: NARCISSISM
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Comments

( 52 comments — Leave a comment )
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sweeny_todd
Nov. 15th, 2011 11:16 am (UTC)
*grin* this is funny! well done!!! I like some of the ramifications of breaking said rules ^_^
karmasoup
Nov. 15th, 2011 03:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I thought I would have some fun with it! Thanks for reading! ;)
frecklestars
Nov. 15th, 2011 03:26 pm (UTC)
This made me giggle, a lot, but I absolutely agree with you. Slow drivers in the fast lane have been particularly pertinent lately. ha
karmasoup
Nov. 15th, 2011 03:29 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you laughed. This is of course thoroughly tongue in cheek, but, I did try to focus on pet peeves that pretty much drive most everyone nuts, so that most readers could feel they could relate (and possibly even find themselves in the "narcissist/geek" category! ;). Thanks for reading.
(no subject) - frecklestars - Nov. 15th, 2011 03:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - karmasoup - Nov. 15th, 2011 03:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
dslartoo
Nov. 15th, 2011 05:38 pm (UTC)
Resistance is *always* futile when dealing with us geeks. But then, I'm quite sure you knew that already. :)

I agree with the majority of these other than to remark that l33tspeak can be amusing in some cases. Then again, I've gotten quite a bit of attention over a l33tspeak parody of Pirates of the Caribbean that I wrote, so I am apparently biased.

Numbers 7 and 8 are pet peeves of mine as well. I once got thrown out of a movie theater for grabbing a loud cellphone talker's phone away from him and throwing it against the wall. The fellow theatergoers applauded me but the owner was less happy about it and got the manager to throw me out. Fair enough. I did kind of overreact. Of course, he got thrown out too when I advised the manager what had caused the incident in the first place.

Enjoyable stuff.

cheers,
Phil
karmasoup
Nov. 15th, 2011 06:19 pm (UTC)
NICE. Good for you, and good for the manager!
noodledays
Nov. 15th, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC)
the sense of humor in this is a fun one. :)

if I may point out one thing that can be a peeve of mine: in your #9, you've written "has ever came" - it should be "has ever come." ;)
karmasoup
Nov. 15th, 2011 07:35 pm (UTC)
Thanks. That error was a typo, thanks for catching it. I'm a bit of a grammar snob (though not a grammar nazi), so I'm glad to be able to fix it and not have to continuing appearing ignorant in that space. One I seem to typo fairly often is when I'm referring to second person possession in predictive text on a phone, the phone will occasionally accidentally drop the "r" of "your," so that I ask something immensely puerile sounding, such as, "Will you be coming in you truck?" I don't really think anyone else cares all that much, but it does drive me nuts. Thanks for reading!
(no subject) - noodledays - Nov. 15th, 2011 07:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
soprano1790
Nov. 15th, 2011 10:09 pm (UTC)
I totally love this! I agree with all of them.

I hate, hate the word utilize. It doesn't sound good at all. I also don't understand why those kinds of announcements are so hard to hear most of the time. It seems to be too hard to find someone who can speak properly. Very creative take on the topic.
karmasoup
Nov. 15th, 2011 10:22 pm (UTC)
Thanks very much! It wasn't easy to come up with something that was creative enough to my taste... I was almost worried that I wasn't going to make it this week (had not realized the deadline had been moved back!) Thanks for reading! ;)
(no subject) - mstrobel - Nov. 16th, 2011 12:20 am (UTC) - Expand
majesticarky
Nov. 15th, 2011 11:56 pm (UTC)
Hey I liked this! Very bold and to the point. I agree with all of it.
mstrobel
Nov. 16th, 2011 12:14 am (UTC)
So I was reading this entry by karmasoup and it was all, like... I am SO a culprit of using that first one ;)

UGH that "...BUT" irks me as well though! As do customers who can't get off their bloody phones for two seconds.

Third flatmate is such a culprit of #2. She once sat at home all day with no toilet paper left in the house, expecting one of us to take a detour to get it on our way home. We'd run out the night before... we were getting home around 8pm. The shops are a five minute walk away. I can't even. Without having said anything to either of us, btw - until we got home. We just assumed she'd do the smart thing and go buy it herself, which apparently was idiotic of us!
karmasoup
Nov. 16th, 2011 12:24 am (UTC)
Okay, your first line made me giggle, so thanks for that! And yeah, I would imagine that in lieu of subjecting said flatmate to the torture of walmart, you'd be welcome to substitute a swift kick in the arse, with my compliments!
malinaldarose
Nov. 16th, 2011 05:05 pm (UTC)
Hear, hear!
karmasoup
Nov. 16th, 2011 05:22 pm (UTC)
HEHEHE... thanks for reading! ;)
cloworora
Nov. 16th, 2011 07:31 pm (UTC)
Well, sure, but that seems like an awful lot of work to go through. You could consolidate one through ten as death by firing squad offenses and have the Associated Press push the first 10 violators as live primetime shown public executions played on Fox News, CNN, and CNBC by mandate of the FCC. That'd probably get the point across.

Alternatively, you could appeal to Darwinism as the softer alternative to fascism to solve these problems. But where's the fun in that? First dibs on spitting on your corpse when it's strung up in the streets.

Ah, Juvenalian satire, how we love thee so. I loved this, keep it up.
cloworora
Nov. 16th, 2011 07:54 pm (UTC)
Also, the wild inconsistencies just make the narcissism topic extremely well-played.
(no subject) - karmasoup - Nov. 16th, 2011 08:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - karmasoup - Nov. 16th, 2011 08:05 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - cloworora - Nov. 16th, 2011 08:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - karmasoup - Nov. 16th, 2011 08:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - cloworora - Nov. 16th, 2011 08:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - karmasoup - Nov. 16th, 2011 08:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - cloworora - Nov. 16th, 2011 09:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - karmasoup - Nov. 16th, 2011 09:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - cloworora - Nov. 16th, 2011 09:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - karmasoup - Nov. 16th, 2011 09:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Anonymous)
Nov. 17th, 2011 01:02 am (UTC)
I liked everything about your post. It's sassy, opinionated, amusing, and strong.
karmasoup
Nov. 17th, 2011 03:32 am (UTC)
Don't know if this actually goes back to your IP addy or not, but I think you forgot to log in - oops!
whipchick
Nov. 17th, 2011 01:59 am (UTC)
I respectfully submit my enlistment in your army of enforcement minions.
karmasoup
Nov. 17th, 2011 03:29 am (UTC)
Application accepted - Yay! I have minions!!!
pixiebelle
Nov. 17th, 2011 04:33 am (UTC)
YES! I agree with so much of this!
copyright1983
Nov. 17th, 2011 06:37 am (UTC)
I'm still trying to work out if your world is utopia or dystopia. :) Well done!

(Friended you, by the way.)
karmasoup
Nov. 18th, 2011 01:13 am (UTC)
Thanks for the friend, I gotchya back. Of course if it's MY world it's perfection! I mean, after all, it's MY world... how could it be anything less? ;)
solstice_singer
Nov. 17th, 2011 12:58 pm (UTC)
Not only will I vote for you this week, I shall also ally with you in getting rid of all these unnecessary and irritating aspects of humanity.

Great job, and very original.
karmasoup
Nov. 18th, 2011 01:11 am (UTC)
Yay, another minion! WO0t! Our numbers are rising!
myrna_bird
Nov. 17th, 2011 02:57 pm (UTC)
WoW! You really got on a roll identifying all of these. Very funny take.
karmasoup
Nov. 18th, 2011 01:09 am (UTC)
Thanks! Yeah, boy, once the momentum kicked in, it really took off. Glad you found it funny!
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