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I don’t need any man.

“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

It’s true, you know.

We could go on about our separate journeys in this life, living our separate lives immune to the benefits of each other, men and women, and perhaps on some superficial level, we’d get by without one another. The sun would still rise and set, the ocean tides would still ebb & flow, and, heck, even if we wanted to keep advancing the human race, in this day & age, there’s always petri dishes, turkey basters, and mail order on eBay. We could segregate ourselves to the point of having an Amazon nation and a Spartan population on polar opposite hemispheres of the globe.

Yep, no matter what we do or don’t do to each other, life will always go on somehow. So, that’s the big picture... and then there’s me... and that brings me then to you. Or was it life that brought you to me?

You wonder, couldn’t I survive just fine without you? Well, doesn’t that depend on what’s your definition of fine? You know I’m a survivor, and so you know I’m always going to find a way to make it work, no matter what the odds... that’s what I do. I always have, I always will. My heart is not going to stop pumping without you, I’m not going to stop breathing without you, I’m not going to falter at figuring out how to earn a living to determine where I’ll lay my head or how I’ll put food on my table if you don’t show me. If you were gone from my life tomorrow, I wouldn’t blink out of existence. So you think that means I don’t need you, but, you couldn’t be more wrong.

Once upon a time in human history, our race thought the world was flat. And, not so long ago in our evolution, we’d summed up the basic human needs of sustenance as contritely detailed as a minor list including such paltry staples as air, water, food, waste emission, shelter, and respite. While we’ve certainly grown beyond that stage of development in our past, still, if you want to strip down to bare minimums, even with all the advances we’ve made in our interpretations of survival through Maslow’s hierarchy and other discoveries of expanded necessities for human endurance, including conditions of psychological, emotional, and spiritual support, when it comes right to it, there’s really not a whole lot required to keep a homo sapien semi-functional. We see life supported in hospitals on feeding tubes every day, and for that matter, if you believe the Wachowski brothers, it really wouldn’t take that much to keep a body going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going... .

But what kind of life would that be, really?

I know you know I’ve spent most of my life as an existentialist. But, truthfully, it isn’t so much by choice as it has been out of instinct for self-preservation. Life hasn’t been easy for me, you know that, but, I’ve never been one to make a point of complaining about it... I've never seen the use in that. Learning how to roll with the punches and accept what life brought me was the only way to move on, most of the time. So, yeah, anyone can easily say that I know how to exist. And yet, think what you want to about my ability to avoid total destruction, but, I think you give me too much credit. To really LIVE… for that I need MORE… I need security, adventure, freedom, exchange, power, expansion, acceptance, community, expression… and, how can I get all of that on my own? Without it, up until now, I’ve only been existing. But today, for the first time, I’ve only just barely begun to finally really live, because of the life that you’ve breathed into me. And you think I don’t NEED that, as if I could somehow at some point just walk away like it didn’t matter and go back to an existence where I’m always going to be okay? To me, though, that would NOT be so okay.

I know that Zion isn't paradise, and maybe not even everything we'd hoped it would be, but, it's real, and, now that I've seen it, and the promise of a real life in it, I just can’t live in the Matrix anymore.

When my ex married his first wife, he walked down the aisle to that Hollies song, “All I need is the air that I breathe and to love you.” I guess I get how some might find the sentiment kinda touching, but, I’ve always thought it was kinda sad in some way, as if without that other person in your life, you could somehow wither away and disappear, gasping for love. But, that’s not right, and, that’s not me. I don’t love you like that. I can’t. I wouldn’t ever do that to you. I could never make you bear the burden of a sensation that my survival is completely dependent upon yours. It isn’t. But, at the same time, I only have the capacity to love you because I love myself, and I can do so because I’m most me when I’m with you. I’m not the same without you, I’m something less than me... some translucent impression of something I’m supposed to be. I told a friend once that I love you like my sight. She said that was ridiculous and scoffed at how horrible it must be to love someone that intensely, but I felt sorry for her that she’d never known a love like that… a love the loss of which would be like losing something that it wouldn’t kill me to be without, but the absence of which would so drastically change my life I’d be less myself without it. And you think that I don’t need you because you know if you separated from my life I would keep going, but, at what price?

How often you never know when so many times I’m standing so close to you, desperate to hold you, and there you are, trying to throw your arms around the world. And God help me, I can’t help but to love you so passionately for that very aspect of who you are. You’re running out to charge to some poor soul’s rescue, anxious to save the day, because you believe that surely THAT one must be a heart who earnestly needs you... But, don’t you know, that’s the sort who doesn’t need YOU... that’s a need like a deficiency of the blood of life, where to become a supplier to fulfill that void, ANYONE will do. And, you CAN save that life, if only for a short time, but, to do so, you’ll give up everything that you have, everything that you need, and everything that you are. And in the end, the lifeblood that you’ve sacrificed will have flown from you, and yet it still was not enough to fill those empty, riddled veins that called out for it.

May the powers of the universe grant me the fortune to not witness this tragedy from vacant eyes, but to spare you from it, and to see you thrive, not just exist, not even to merely live, but to flourish majestically, with all the wonder and fulfillment that can only be brought to fruition by the nurture of enduring love. Because when faced with the prospective outcome of existential blindness, I've been granted vision, and I see in you what you cannot... I see that you need me.

Do I believe you can't function without me? Of course not. You always have, you always will. Can I make it on my own without you? Of course I can. But, don't think I don't need you because I'm not broken enough for you to fix me. And don't become complacent in thinking that you're so broken you can't be fixed. I promise I won't try to save you. Only you can do that. But, I also promise I DO need you... because you need me to. No, I don’t NEED _ANY_ man to survive. I only need YOU to ever really live.

I need you because only YOU can breathe life into me. Other men have come and gone, and more will come again. But I need YOU to give me the ultraviolet fire that makes my gold shimmer, my blue sparkle, my magenta shine. Let me bask in the vibrant glow of your brilliance so that I may become all that I am meant to be because you love me enough to see the true colors in my essence and bring me to life. And with you there, first in the path to absorb the light that I radiate outward because you turned a dim aimlessly meandering spark into a blazing inferno of purpose, then you will feel the warmth of my luminescence, and you will grow. You will know you may stand on your own, and you may be strong, but you are not alone. I too will stand on my own, but I will stand beside you, and I will be strong with you.

You may not have to save me from myself, or from the forces of darkness, but, if you can see the future in me, then save me from going to waste, and, in turn, I will give you the strength to take over the world, if you will share it with me.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
a_jaclyn
Mar. 27th, 2007 11:57 am (UTC)
This is awe-inspiring & beautiful.
rebeccax
Mar. 27th, 2007 08:27 pm (UTC)
Lovely. Thank you.
m_malcontent
Apr. 5th, 2012 05:38 am (UTC)
He is a good boy it seems...and I am happy he makes you happy.

But the gold and the bright and the love are within you.

I will lay in my cold grave and you will remain.

He (if he is who I think he is) is fated the same.

Take care of you, Karma...no one else will.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )