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All Part of the Master Plan...

Conspiracy Theory

My GPS hates me.


It might be because I named her “Dolores.”

Okay, I know, I know, it’s a little outdated, and unfashionable, but, I mean, come on, is “Siri” really the height of the times for today’s nomenclature options?  It’s not like “Cortana” is exactly cutting edge.

  And, anyway, why do the iPhone and the Windows phone get a named personal assistant, but I have to christen my own Droid?

      Apparently, she’s not too happy about my selection.

Yesterday, I was trying to go to my brother’s house.  I’ve been there a number of times before, but I was coming from a different direction this time.  Dolores took me to a tenement hood on the wrong side of the tracks, and kept insisting I was at my destination.

NOT funny, Dolores.

Last week, she dropped me way out in the middle of the wilderness, and told me I’d found the Walgreen’s I was looking for.


Out here, on the edge of oblivion, in the back woods, with the squirrels and the nuts?  And the ... holy crap, did you just hear a pack of coyotes over there ...?!!

You must think I’m nuts, Droid.

  There is no Walgreen’s on this side of shallow graveland...

      I am SO outta here!

I shouldn’t hold it against her, though.  Maybe we were just closer to the Mississippi than I’d realized at the time.  I think she has Aquaphobia
She absolutely refuses to function properly whenever her signal is anywhere near a river..

She’s not the only one, though.

Have you ever noticed how a static discharge from the phone line around that kind of an area will make the hairs on your limbs stand on end?  You usually can be somewhat clued in enough in advance to being in one of “those” zones by recognizing when the radio starts randomly switching stations on you.

Kinda creepy, actually.

Or... have you ever been walking or driving along, and suddenly, the streetlights just randomly blink out for no apparent reason, and then suddenly come back on like nothing happened?

Chalk it up to random “computer glitches,” they say.

  Or, how about those rolling brown-outs?

      Sun spots, they say.


They might as well just tell you it’s the result of swamp gas from a weather balloon trapped in a thermal pocket that reflected light from Venus, and then ask you to stare directly into a neuralyzer for a few seconds!

And that’s not the worst of it!

Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that you happen to work at a McITjob helpdesk.  You think it’s just a coincidence that all of a sudden all the chat functions in the entire global corporation go down at the same time?  Because, you know, it apparently wouldn’t be that terrible of a tragedy if we couldn’t keep the lights on, or the trucks running on time, or adhere to the surgery schedule, compared to if you couldn’t SEND AN IM to your neighbor across the aisle of your CUBE FARM.

The hostility, man!

  And who gets the brunt of that?

      You guessed it.

Your everyday Customer Service Rep on the other end of the 1-800 call-here-to-scream-your-head-off-for-no-real-legitimate-reason BITCHFEST line.

That’s right.

     Good ’ol trusty, Mr. Reliable,

       Yours Truly.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  It’s not as infuriating as when people call our desk about things that have nothing to do with us. 

          I can’t get remember my voicemail password! 

—Oh, really?  We’re the telecom service, now, too?  Go whine to someone who cares!

         I have a presentation in thirty minutes, and I just now accidentally deleted my status report!
            Can you get it back for me?

—Oh, what a convenient excuse!  And, tell me, is there a reason you’re just now getting around to generating the report you’ve known about being due today for the last 4 months?

I’m sorry, unfortunately for you, according to my job description, procrastination on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part!  I’m afraid it looks you’re going to have to suck it up and admit to your customers that you’re a deadbeat!  (Good luck getting that bonus!)

     The printer is out of ink! 

—Oh, excuse me, did hell freeze over while I was on break?!

I must have missed all the commotion that makes that MY problem when I was on the crapper!

At least in this case, we can actually remedy the issue, though, usually, it’s not one anyone has a cause for.  Don’t you just love all those “outages” where no one has any explanation how they came about, they just look to the team who’s going to take care of them?  Yeah, no one here give a rat’s patoot about WHY anything goes wrong.  They just want us to FIX IT.

But, there’s an old time-honored tooltip among us IT professionals, that we must remember to never forget whenever we’re “correcting” so-called “glitches.”

And that is:

            Things that go away by themselves can come BACK by themselves. 

And they most assuredly often DO.

I have a theory, though.

     I know how all this crap gets tossed at us all the time.

      It’s aliens, man.

Oh don’t look at me like that!

You really think mankind is actually smart enough to have invented all this stuff ourselves?

•  We, the people, who can’t tell the difference between a state in the country where we live, and a continent on the other side of the planet?

•  We, the people, 1 in 4 of whom can’t name more than one of the freedoms guaranteed by our constitution, but can name all the family members of a cartoon show?

•  We, the people, who get most of our news updates from our social networks feeds?!
(Because if we saw it on the interwebz, it MUST be true!)

No, I think it’s all about the negativity, dude!

You see, when your technology doesn’t work the way you expect it to, you get heated up, and put out all these negative vibes, and, somewhere, hovering on the other side of the dark shadow of the moon, hidden in a matching orbit we’ll never see, there’s a battle cruiser, sucking up all that negative energy!  I think they use it to power their dark crystals, and they’re planning an invasion to take us over!  See, THAT’s why they gave us all this techno crap that is beyond the scope of our abilities, and THAT’s why they’re always interfering to make sure it blinks out when we MOST need it.

Got no time for breakfast, and suddenly your toaster’s on the fritz?

>>> schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp <<<

  Hear that?

          That’s the sound of a giant suction machine, sucking up all the steam that’s escaping out of your ears because of how pissed you get.

Got a super important presentation first thing in the morning, but a storm makes your power go out, so your alarm doesn’t keep you from oversleeping?

  >>> schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp <<<

Set your DVR to record the big game you knew you were going to have to miss because of working late, only to find when you got home that a tree root growing through the foundation created a crack in the building structure that unplugged your cable?

       >>> schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp <<<

And somehow, all that negative energy always ends up somewhere over in the Middle East!

     You know THAT must be where they park the satellite that feeds directly into the MOTHERSHIP.

          It’s only a matter of time before we’re looking at WWIII, people.

That’s right, folks...

     ...this time, it’s man vs. machine!

       You know it’s coming!

It may even be here before you get the chance to realize it!  Before you turn around, some arbitrary “hiccup” with your circuit breaker will have your appliances switching themselves on.  How’d you like it if you came home to your washing machine, chugging itself across the basement floor, flooding your sublevel?  Don’t tell me it hasn’t already happened, to somebody, somewhere!

But not to me.  No, siree.

     They won’t get me, not that way, buddy.

       I will not be taken in!

I stopped playing video games because my old college dormmate, who died my senior year, when he was stoned, and slipped on a bar of soap in the shower, started sending me messages from the beyond hidden in the patterns of the background screens.  (I’ll admit, it was a rough last semester, but at least I got a pass for all my classes because of the academic law of Dead Man on Campus
, and it’s a good thing, too, since I don’t know how I was otherwise going to be able to graduate.)

I know now, though, that he was only trying to warn me.

     About THEM.

But I don’t have to worry anymore, cause I’ve figured out how to keep their signals from getting through.  That’s right.  This aluminum foil hat blocks their data waves from getting into my brain.

     Don’t be caught unawares, friends!

          Get yours, now, before it’s too late!

(I’ll tell you more, but right now I have to go answer the door.  If you can’t wait til I get back, be sure to watch for more of my future updates with tactics and techniques for avoiding and averting the impending takeover.)


               What are you doing here?  No, you can’t come in!  Stay back!

               No, stop!  Don’t touch me!  Let go!

               You can’t do this!  Where are you taking me?  No, I won’t go!  No!


                                                     —TRANSMISSION ENDED—





>>> Go ahead, Dolores.<

>>> >>> You have reached your destination.

LJ Idol | Season 9 • Week 18 - Topic: DISINFORMATION
This post has been brought to you by an association with the online writing community forum, LJ Idol.
If you have enjoyed this entry, please feel free to speak your piece, share the love, and pass it on...
                                                                                                               ...and thanks for stopping by.


( 50 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 20th, 2014 12:16 am (UTC)
Eek, my own GPS had had similar behaviour to that of Dolores ... I better go get my hat STAT!
Aug. 20th, 2014 12:47 am (UTC)
See, that's what I'm SAYING! It's rampant! They're EVERYWHERE!
Aug. 20th, 2014 02:30 am (UTC)
I laughed out loud at several points -- what a frustrating job!
Aug. 20th, 2014 07:39 am (UTC)
Thanks! It seemed like a good week to break out a little goofiness.
Aug. 20th, 2014 02:55 am (UTC)
This is fabulous. :)
Aug. 20th, 2014 07:40 am (UTC)
Thanks! So happy you enjoyed it... I had fun with it. ;)
Aug. 20th, 2014 03:56 am (UTC)
i love how this ends! my gps has never steered me wrong, altho i don't use it that often, but my sister's old one got her lost a couple times....
Aug. 20th, 2014 07:41 am (UTC)
And THAT's exactly where it starts, then, before you know it... >>> schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp <<< !!!

Aug. 20th, 2014 06:45 am (UTC)
LJ Idol Week 18: Recommendations!
User kickthehobbit referenced to your post from LJ Idol Week 18: Recommendations! saying: [...] has a theory [...]
Aug. 20th, 2014 02:48 pm (UTC)
Can relate! Nice job :D
Aug. 20th, 2014 07:48 pm (UTC)
Thanks! (By relating, I'm hoping you mean to either the GPS malfunctioning, or the insanity of customers, and not the foil hat! ;)
Aug. 20th, 2014 07:54 pm (UTC)
Two thumbs up!
Aug. 20th, 2014 08:13 pm (UTC)
Thanks! (And hey, be careful where you put those thumbs! ;)
Aug. 20th, 2014 08:16 pm (UTC)
heck, I have trouble enough with a run of the mill quartz watch. The darn things do not like me. They willkeep time for a few months but then they will start running fast or slow and changeing the battery is a no go.
But i do not look good in foil.
Aug. 21st, 2014 04:00 am (UTC)
Your GPS should be called Christine

>>> schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp <<<

The aliens want to be our friends, they really do. They just don't understand how our feeble brains work
Aug. 21st, 2014 04:13 am (UTC)
Now that you mention it, she does have a tendency to bat her eyelashes at my in the most peculiar, kinda creepy way... hopefully she won't try to kill my boyfriend with an underdone potato!
Aug. 21st, 2014 08:53 am (UTC)
This was pretty funny, especially since I think every single one of us has had their gps fail. Or a light suddenly go out while we're standing on the street. Or or or...

I also have Foil in my head now. Bonus points! Great piece.
Aug. 21st, 2014 08:57 am (UTC)
Okay, this response actually made me laugh at loud, which I suppose might not be too hard to get me to do at 4am, but, even so, I'm pretty sure it's still funny! Thanks!
Aug. 21st, 2014 09:59 am (UTC)
My TomTom tried to kill us once. And this was pretty damned deliberate too--it sent us the wrong way on the GW Parkway during rush hour. I'm pretty glad I'm not dead.
Aug. 21st, 2014 10:11 am (UTC)
Now, see, THAT's exactly why you should never trust anything that names itself TWICE.
(no subject) - i_17bingo - Aug. 21st, 2014 01:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - karmasoup - Aug. 21st, 2014 06:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 21st, 2014 11:35 am (UTC)
An incredibly amusing piece
Aug. 21st, 2014 06:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I like to mix it up now and then!
Aug. 21st, 2014 12:15 pm (UTC)
Of course, Walgreen's has an app! Haha!

But no fair frightening the technophobes and luddites! Devices are surely there to help, not hinder! Or, I don't know... would the world be better without them???
Aug. 21st, 2014 06:53 pm (UTC)
From the perspective of someone who is not quite as nuts as the character telling this story, I would say we're a bit ahead of the game, though I do often wonder about whether we're rapidly moving toward the impending Idiocracy.
Aug. 21st, 2014 12:44 pm (UTC)
This was so funny.
Aug. 21st, 2014 06:53 pm (UTC)
Thanks! It's nice to put on the goofy cap every now & then.
Aug. 21st, 2014 02:21 pm (UTC)
Hehehehehe. I LOVED the bit about negativity!
Aug. 21st, 2014 06:56 pm (UTC)
Believe it or not, I actually got this ridiculous theory from my Yogi. He doesn't actually believe it, of course, but whenever technology is a little beyond him (he's in his 70s, and sometimes is frustrated by needing to use the web to get business), he actually USES the sound effect I included here, along with hand motions of a the aliens sucking off the excess!
Aug. 21st, 2014 02:30 pm (UTC)
"Shallow graveland" LOL.

I'm finding that the more I use my GPS, the most my actual sense of direction atrophies. Plus, half the time I miss the exit because it tells me "take the ramp" but not east or west when the exit splits! I've started turning it off to get around Kuwait City and it's actually helping :)
Aug. 21st, 2014 06:59 pm (UTC)
I think the best way to get to know a new place is to get yourself good and lost, and then have to figure out your way back. Sounds like you're making that work over there.
Aug. 21st, 2014 03:19 pm (UTC)
LOL.. I really enjoyed reading this..too much Fun in a small package..:D..good work!
Aug. 21st, 2014 06:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks! It was fun writing it! ;)

(Also, thanks for stopping by on your week off!)

Edited at 2014-08-21 07:07 pm (UTC)
Aug. 21st, 2014 03:41 pm (UTC)
Not only is this hilarious, but this is very well written and I loved how you ended it with Dolores.

Edited at 2014-08-21 05:48 pm (UTC)
Aug. 21st, 2014 07:05 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I like to let my hair down and just be absurd every once and a while... it's very freeing!
Aug. 21st, 2014 05:10 pm (UTC)
>>> schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp, schthwirlp <<<

Ahahaha! I love that - perfect! :)
Aug. 21st, 2014 07:04 pm (UTC)
Thanks! It was hard to figure out how to spell a sucking sound, but, every time I try to say it, that's how it comes out, so I think it worked! ;)
Aug. 21st, 2014 05:55 pm (UTC)
I don't drive but the one time I tried to use Googlemaps on my phone, it kept telling me I'd reached my destination when I was in the middle of a subway. This was hilarious, great entry.
Aug. 21st, 2014 07:01 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I figured there were probably plenty of folks who could relate. I just enjoy taking things to their most illogical extreme. (Or, rather, letting nutty characters do so.)
Aug. 21st, 2014 06:38 pm (UTC)
Lol, mine drops me off around the block, usually -- I just have to drive in a square until I find it. But I didn't name mine Delores, either. ;)

The ending is great. :)
Aug. 21st, 2014 07:02 pm (UTC)
Yeah, not really known for pinpoint accuracy, are they? Glad you enjoyed it... I had a good time being silly.
Aug. 21st, 2014 07:44 pm (UTC)
Wait, aliens feeding off of negative energy-- it's Zlork's officemate! Ah, Zlork-- good times.

I thought at first this was non-fiction, because I couldn't remember if you were in IT (I guess that's more Minion than you, at the moment). Though I decided that perhaps the narrator gave off bad electricity. Like someone who's been hit with lightning onc too often, and is always carrying some around that thwarts machinery.

ecause my old college dormmate, who died my senior year, when he was stoned, and slipped on a bar of soap in the shower, started sending me messages from the beyond hidden in the patterns of the background screens.

Well, the other possiblity is just that Delores has it in for everyone. She's Mayhem in drag. ;)
Aug. 21st, 2014 08:09 pm (UTC)
Squee! So happy I reeled you in. I wanted to start it out like any other of my non-fiction pieces (and, in truth, I have stolen quite a bit of this from real life examples, cobbled together from a variety of sources... the issue with my brother's house really did happen to me just the day before I wrote this, and my Dad was the one who got dropped off in the woods being told there was a Walgreen's there... my yogi is the one who came up with the negative energy sucking theory, and most of the IT complaints I stole from Minion), but then gradually work up to the crazy, pulling the reader along with him into his web of imbalance.

I'll be honest, I don't know what a Zlork is?

And yes, I think the theory is that Dolores, as an emmissary for the alien invaders, DOES have it in for all of us!
(no subject) - halfshellvenus - Aug. 21st, 2014 08:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - karmasoup - Aug. 21st, 2014 08:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 21st, 2014 09:13 pm (UTC)
You have seen "Weird" Al's video for the parody "Foil" right? I had that playing in my head under the end of this piece.

I still print out directions from google maps, not that they aren't also spectacularly wrong sometimes, but at least I'm looking ahead and trying to figure things out instead of just waiting.

Aug. 21st, 2014 09:26 pm (UTC)
Ha, yes, did you catch what the "Music" for this post was? That was playing in the background in my head the whole time I was writing.

I used to do that with Google maps directions, too, but now I have a Droid, which uses Google maps as its navigator, so it's pretty much the same thing, although, I totally get what you're saying about not getting enough advanced warning when you're supposed to turn until it's too late.

Aug. 21st, 2014 11:05 pm (UTC)
This reminds me of the time our old GPS sent ravenshrinkery and me down a "Class 4 Unimproved Road" in Vermont. It took us an hour to go about four miles on that thing.
Aug. 22nd, 2014 03:56 am (UTC)
Oh, how maddening! I bet you were feeding into plenty of invader colony energy that night!
( 50 comments — Leave a comment )


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