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Never Need a Reason

Conspiracy

Conspiracy, I tell you.  That’s what this is.

All part of some bigger plot — some grand scheme to keep me out of LJ Idol.

No?

Crazy?

Okay, maybe.

But that’s what it feels like.

I write here because I don’t write anywhere else.  And I love to write.  I just never otherwise find make the time.  LJ Idol gives me the excuse discipline to knuckle down and actually get it done.

It’s the deadlines.

And the sharing.

Especially in an environment where I know people will bother to read it, and one or two might actually even care.

And, oh the stories!  You’re all such great storytellers, I can hardly wait to see what else you have to share each week.


I had an intro.  It was in my head.

...I just needed to get it out, get it onscreen, get it to you...


But...

But there were doctor’s appointments, and doctor’s appointments, and more doctor’s appointments... and did I mention doctor’s appointments?

...And then there were tons of trips to Walgreen’s... it took me forever to get down the right combination of vitamins.  Turns out I’m mildly anemic (Iron!  Vitamin C!  Magnesium & Calcium!), and have a severe vitamin D deficiency (apparently, it’s not normal for natives to spend 6 months out of the year without ever seeing the sun, and a pasty complexion that allows you to pass for white is NOT necessarily a good thing!), and there’s not enough DHA in my prenatal...

...I finally got it all figured out, but now I’m taking 12 pills a day.  I had to buy a special case, for morning, noon, and night doses.  I feel like an old person.  Or like my minion husband.

...But MAN!, It’s a lot of WORK being pregnant!


...And, ultimately, I got screwed out of writing my intro.

But...

          but, but, but...

...But I still want to write that intro!  That idea, it’s a great idea!

...And it’s still screaming in me to get out!

But...

...But I missed my opportunity.  And now the moment has passed.

*sigh*


I had an idea for Week 1.  It was in my head.

...I just needed to get it out, get it onscreen, get it to you...


But...

...But Thanksgiving weekend, you know...

...it was my turn to coordinate the dinner.

...That’s no small project when your family is 25 bare minimum if everyone shows up, and then add 10 additional outsiders imposed guests invited by the in-laws, then having to find recipes and buy groceries for making 6 – 8 extra dishes on top of what you’ve asked everyone else to bring to be sure there’s enough to go around, because you can’t expect your own family, much less the unknown wild cards to show restraint — not that Thanksgiving is a time for that — but then there’s a handful to whom the financial burden would be too great, so you’ve got to keep that in mind, not to mention dietary restrictions for Crohn’s disease, diabetes, and vegetarianism (oh, and let’s don’t forget pregnancy!) to account for, and, and...

...well, you’ve got no small project, lemme tell ya.

...But, MAN!, It’s a lot of WORK being the only girl in the family, the sole heir apparent to taking over the responsibilities of the grand matriarch, Hospitality Queen!


...And, ultimately, I got screwed out of writing my week 1 topic entry.

But...

          but, but, but...

...But I still want to write that entry!  That idea, it’s a great idea!

...And it’s still screaming in me to get out!

But...

...But I missed my opportunity.  And now the moment has passed.

*sigh*


I had an idea for Week 2.  It was in my head.

...I just needed to get it out, get it onscreen, get it to you...


But...

...But I’d been working the last 6 months at a really terrible job...

...a horrible, soul-sucking nightmare of a post at least 3-4 levels below my skillset, where I was being paid less money than I’d made for any contract in my field over the last 10 years...

...where I’d agreed to work because the position was supposed to have gone permanent within 90 days, and after 20 years of contracting, I was already thinking about settling down even before the baby, so I assumed the low rate was just an introduction to allow me to establish my value to them, after which we would negotiate terms for a reasonable living wage before making the deal...

...where the person who was responsible for me being there
to whom I officially reported was so absentee I probably saw him a total of 5 times in 6 months for about 10 minutes each, tops...

...where at least 2 other people with no authority over my work found it necessary to periodically hassle me over the kinds of minutiae you might bother an entry level employee at a fast food joint about, not a seasoned professional with over 20 years of experience...

...where I was sardined into an 8’ x 10’ office which was shared (yes, that’s right, I said they put TWO desks, and TWO giant 4-drawer lateral file cabinets into an 8 x 10 sqft cubby) with a 63 yr-old imperious curmudgeon afflicted with THE WORST, most ingrained case of narcissistic personality disorder I’ve ever come across, who was completely incapable of going 300 seconds without muttering to himself TALKING to himself OUT LOUD (there was nothing the least bit under his breath about it... in fact, I’m pretty sure he was generally trying to get attention), or making some other, more annoying sound (he was constantly humming or whistling, but never an actual tune... if there’d been anything of a musical nature to it, I might have hummed or whistled along, but, no, it was mindless, tuneless, structureless semi-musical noise, somewhat reminiscent of being potentially inspired by something resembling music)... who was so insistent upon hearing the sound of his own voice that he was constantly running out of breath every time he spoke (not exaggerating.  EVERY.  DAMN.  TIME.) because he was so busy making sure no one else could possibly get a word in edgewise that he was trying to rush through every sentence without ever taking a breath so no one had the chance to break in... and he actually SUCKED on his own SPIT.  LOUDLY.  (Sorry.  Hard to even write that without squirming.  Seriously.  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.), laughed at everything he said (YES.  EVERYTHING.  EVERY – SINGLE – SENTENCE was punctuated by the most ridiculous fake guffaw you’ve likely ever heard), and talked so loud on the phone (which, by the way was FOUR FEET from me) he could be heard at the FAR END of the building... who seemed to think he was the only one at the company who knew anything at all, and that everything about the way operations ran would be so much simpler if only they’d listened to him the 80 millionth time he’d been telling them what to do from the get go since the first time and for the last 20 years he’s been there, and who was otherwise pretty much completely negative and passive aggressive about everyone, and everything in general — except me, of course, because I guess he figured out pretty quickly that I actually knew what I was doing, and apparently, the last 5 people in that position did NOT.

...(I guess that’s what happens when you hire someone overqualified.  You get to see how things might work if you were actually willing to pay someone with useful skills to do the job, rather than plucking the next random luck-of-the-draw yahoo from out of whichever fly by night employment agency happens to cold call you next, and hoping they will sit in the chair and bang on the keys long enough to eventually accidentally write the collective works of Shakespeare)...

...where 90 days passed, and then 120, and then 150, with no conversation about me being hired on (to which I would have had TWO conditions... besides a salary not meant for a teenager, I’d need MY OWN OFFICE!!!), each one with us having to tighten our belt to the point of living off credit cards, to the point that I could no longer afford to wait, and had been looking for a new job...

...(which, by the way, I had been doing for a while, and was also doing during intro week, and week 1, as well, which takes a lot out of you, especially when you have no time to write for Idol look for a job while you’re working, because you’re doing the work of three people, and you could sit at your desk for 10 hours straight, from 7AM to 5PM, with no break for lunch, just a sandwich at your desk, and occasional trips to the potty, once you finally realize that your leg has been shaking for the last half hour because you were trying to get to a good stopping place to stem the tidal wave of oncoming work that never slows down from crashing over you, and the phones are constantly ringing off the hook, because the place is short staffed, because they’ve gotten rid of 4 people in the few months you’ve been there, and there are only 22 employees in the whole place to begin with, and almost everyone is related to each other, and the owner bought an entire company in Alabama just to give his nephew something to do, and now they’re closing it down, because the nephew couldn’t get it done, so now those phones are rolling up here, too, and hey, would you mind while you’re at it, since you have such a nice phone voice, going ahead and answering the phone, too, cause everyone knows that purchasing and accounts payable doesn’t really require so much attention to detail that you can’t also handle and manage the additional distraction of 16 interruptions per hour)...

...and I’d had a few phone interviews, and at least a couple in person, and I’d gone to the trouble to have my minion husband courier hand written thank you cards with a chocolate attached to the interviewers the morning after (man, I REALLY wanted out of that job!!!), and a week had gone by, and then two (one of which was Thanksgiving week), and then nearly three, and I’d almost given up, when I decided to write one more letter of continued interest, and popped it off, to find out the next day...

I GOT THE JOB!!!

...which was GREAT news,

...BUT,

...every night that week, there was something different to be done toward my background check.  There were forms to be filled out, and a cup to be peed in (they can’t legally divulge anything other than whether or not I’m on drugs, right?  I mean, my pee being nearly orange or green, depending on the time of day because of all the dang vitamins doesn’t count against me, and, they’re not allowed to reveal that I’m pregnant, right???), and videos to watch, and signatures to get notarized...


...But, MAN!, It’s a lot of WORK leaving a miserable, lousy, teeth gritting, mind numbing grindstone, and getting hired to your dream job!

...And, ultimately, I got screwed out of writing my week 2 topic entry.

But...

          but, but, but...

...But I still want to write that entry!  That idea, it’s a great idea!

...And it’s still screaming in me to get out!

But...

...But I missed my opportunity.  And now the moment has passed.

*sigh*


I had an idea for this week.  It was in my head.

...I just needed to get it out, get it onscreen, get it to you...


But...

...But my minion husband works from home.  He works from home, and we only have one car between us, so when we go out on the weekend, he drives.  He drives, because he otherwise never leaves the house, so he likes to be in the driver’s seat, because he otherwise never gets to drive the car, because I have it for work, and I let him, because I like to be in the passenger’s seat and to be driven, because I otherwise have to drive myself everywhere (and, man, it is getting harder and harder to buckle that seatbelt!), and I like to just relax and let him think he’s in charge take care of me sometimes.

...So I found out this weekend that the reason he:

• busted not one, but TWO tires (count them – uno, dos) two years ago — the SAME exact tire on the same exact wheel on the same exact pothole in the same exact place on the same exact day of the week at the same exact time exactly one week later,

...and...

• wrecked my front axle (YES.  HE managed to BREAK my front AXLE in TWO) on a pothole the size of a MOON CRATER about a year ago (which, btw, I’m STILL making payments on... I was fortunate to have been working at the time at a car dealership which agreed to let me make payments on it... which was about very nearly the ONLY thing worthwhile about working at that place!)

...and...

• drove my 2001 Buick (this is a vehicle with the ground clearance of a tortoise) over a speed bump the height of a pair of shinkickers (this road block was clearly intended to completely incapacitate all intruders), thereby busting the driver’s side strut assembly

...is because apparently, he has low NIGHT VISION (he says his mother had it, too.  Cause THAT makes a difference???).  THIS I learn after 3 years of social acquaintance, plus 3 years of cohabitation, plus 1 year of marriage, plus
$1,850 in CAR REPAIRS.  (Mind you, this is an older vehicle that could actually USE a fair few preventative maintenance car repairs here and there, to keep in her in good shape.  This is upkeep, however, she is NOT getting, because we are busy living hand to mouth off credit cards, and spending $1850 in car repairs we don’t need.)

SO, I’ve been having to ride the bus this week, because there was a snow storm on Monday that filled up the shop where we normally take the car, and we couldn’t get in until yesterday.  That’s to MY BRAND NEW JOB THAT STARTED ON MONDAY. 


It’s a half hour commute by car with no traffic, 50 minutes with traffic.  But, on public transit, you can never just get from here to there.  No.  You have to go from point A, in to the spokes of the wheel at point L, to get back out to the outer rim at point B.  So, I leave the house at quarter to 6 in the morning to walk 10 minutes in sub zero weather to catch the bus that takes me to a transit center where I stand outside for 15 minutes in sub zero weather until I can get on another bus that takes me to another transit center where I stand outside for another 15 minutes in sub zero weather until I can get on another bus that that drops me off 10 minutes from my office at quarter after 8AM.  Then I work for 8 hours.  Then I walk 15 minutes in sub zero weather (and do that whole scenario in reverse) until I reach my house at quarter after 7PM,

...completely exhausted,

...with just enough energy left to eat a lovely, hot, home-cooked meal my minion husband has prepared for me, and then fall into bed, if I don’t have anything pressing I have to first (like call a tow truck to bring our busted wheel tire to the car shop, for example).

There are 1,000 steps from the corner where the bus drops me off in the morning to my office.  But there are no buildings or trees to block the wind.  And it beats me.  Sideways.  But I’m counting steps, and I make it.  THREE DAYS IN A ROW.

There are only 500 steps from the corner where the bus drops me off at night to my driveway.  But it’s all uphill.  And the sun has long since gone down.  (It’s winter in Minnesota.  The moon lights the way for most of my morning commute, and watches over the evening trip the whole way home, also.)  And I’m PREGNANT.  I get winded GOING UP STAIRS.  (This is apparently normal, I’m told... my physical therapist says she gets winded just reading stories to her 2-yr-old.  She's 10 weeks farther along than me.)  At 200 steps I have to take a rest, and struggle for breath.  At 300 steps I have to take a rest, and try not to cry.  At 400 steps, I can see my house, and I just want to BE THERE, so I push through.

And my minion husband is there waiting for me, and he has CLEANED MY ROOM.

...and I remember why I love him.




...But, MAN!, It’s a lot of WORK being a one car household!

...And, ultimately, I got screwed out of writing my week 3 topic entry.

But...

          but, but, but...

...But I still want to write that entry!  That idea, it’s a great idea!

...And it’s still screaming in me to get out!

But...

...But I missed my opportunity.  And now the moment has passed.

*sigh*


Yes, I have been screwed at every turn at nearly every weeknight opportunity there has been to write so far, and no, I don’t have time to write at work, and sure, I could have maybe tried to do some writing on the weekends, but between the busy family holiday schedule, and the fact that my husband works nights, and I work days, and I only have about 2 hours a day of non-scheduled time I can use, because being pregnant means I otherwise require more rest, our quality time together is at a premium, and neither of us wants to spend it in front of the computer.


But...

...Here’s the thing.  The moment hasn’t really passed.  Minion and I are still going to have a baby in 6 months.  And I still want to say all those things I have in my head to share with our unborn child.  I’m just not really doing so great with deadlines right now.

So, this is not goodbye.  It’s just... not the place for this.

I’m going to continue writing.

I’m going to put out that intro, giving insight into why this is important.

...And that explanation of how we came to name our child, and what it means for the future of our progeny...

...And that appeal to my kid to know how, when, and who to trust...

...And that story of that time I did that stupid thing, with the warning that our offspring should try to avoid the same mistake...

...And whatever other notions the topics inspire me to say to our baby, and quite a few others that aren’t even spurred by the topics, because when you’re pregnant, especially, a week is most definitely only 7 days, and every week, something is different, the world has changed somehow.

And it only roller coaster from here.


...So...

...If you want to stick around for the ride, friend my baby mama account, misfitmama17.  I’ll be around.  Minion (mamas_minion) will still be writing.  He’s having a baby, too, but, I’m doing most of the work, so, he’s got a lot more time than I do!  ;)

You might see some of the posts in the home game, if I’m so inclined, or if I get enough requests to share.  And, maybe, if I’ve got a good rhythm going, I’ll come back for SCI.  Because the only win that matters to me, in the end, is the health and wellbeing of our baby.

Until then...

Peace, love, and joy to all.



LJ Idol | Season 10 • Week X - Topic: SACRIFICE
This post has been brought to you by an association with the online writing community forum, LJ Idol.
If you have enjoyed this entry, please feel free to friend me and stay in touch...
                                                                                                               ...and thanks for stopping by.

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Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
eternal_ot
Dec. 16th, 2016 02:42 pm (UTC)
Aww..snap..:/ I keep reading and hoping against hope that this isn't a sacrifice. But then I think its a good decision and yes, the baby is more important than anything right now. Have added the baby mama account as friends.
Hoping things improve soon and looking forward to see you around.(esp in Second chance)
*Hugs* Take care!
bleodswean
Dec. 16th, 2016 04:20 pm (UTC)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I will definitely friend your momma journal. Best of luck. Take care of yourself. Eat your protein. Go for long walks. Snuggle with your man.

You are a gifted writer. You will find time again, enjoy this now!
n3m3sis43
Dec. 16th, 2016 06:15 pm (UTC)
I feel you on the Idol deadlines. It's been maddening trying to get anything even remotely resembling an entry written on time, and then I'm never happy with what I've produced. I'm telling myself that any writing is better than no writing, which is mostly what I've been doing lately aside from Idol.

Best of luck with everything and I hope to see you back for SCI. <3
j0ydivided
Dec. 17th, 2016 12:21 am (UTC)
Oh dear, I feel this.

Congratulations on the new addition! I'm sorry to see you leave Idol, but happy to hear the good news.
penpusher
Dec. 19th, 2016 04:47 am (UTC)
That is one heaping helping.

Much love to you, and good wishes for everything.
adoptedwriter
Dec. 19th, 2016 02:07 pm (UTC)
Best to you! Take care!
beeker121
Dec. 19th, 2016 08:27 pm (UTC)
Hugs and congratulations! I hope the new job is all the awesome you want it to be.
halfshellvenus
Dec. 19th, 2016 08:28 pm (UTC)
Aw, I was really hoping you would pull it together without running out of byes (or patience), but I can sure understand why all of the energy has been drained out of you again and again and your reserves are low.

I'll friend the other account, and hope you get a chance to write the things you were aiming for.

*hugs*
murielle
Dec. 20th, 2016 02:23 pm (UTC)
I just friended you cause...Baby, baby, baby, baby! I just love babies, and I want to learn all you're willing to share. I think I said it before, but huge CONGRATULATIONS!

By the way, I thought your entry this week was/is amazing!

Congratulations on your new job, too!

Big hugs!
majesticarky
Dec. 20th, 2016 02:59 pm (UTC)
Hope things calm down for you soon!
bewize
Dec. 20th, 2016 11:02 pm (UTC)
What a piece to go out on!

You got my vote!
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )