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Next Item on Today’s Agenda…

Special Bulletin 

Ladies and Gentleman, if I could have your attention, please…

Excuse me, folks… if everyone could just quiet down for a moment, this will go more quickly and a lot smoother if we could all just come together…

Thank you.  And thank you for coming.  I’m sorry to call you in on such short notice so close to the end of the day, and I know you’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered you all here together this afternoon.  Well, I’ll tell you, I have an announcement to make, and I’m afraid it’s not a very pleasant one… you see, I’ve just received some disturbing news.   Many of you have worked side by side for a few years now with Justin, and I think we’ll all agree we’ve found him professional and congenial, if not at times a bit overtly lecherous and occasionally bullheaded, but, certainly no one can deny that he’s been one of the finest Account Executives this company has seen since its founding.

True, his method of gaining new clientele was a bit unorthodox, and I’ll admit when he first suggested he could sell our products door-to-door I was against it.  Catalogues and department stores have done the Styckey family name proud in marketing for the ladies undergarment industry for generations, and I saw no need to expand our methods.  But, Mr. Case had a manner of modeling our new fashion lines to desperate suburban housewives that simply could not be challenged… you really should have seen it!  Oh, how that man loved his work!

And, yes, we told him there were some thresholds that just shouldn’t be crossed… why, everyone knows no good has ever befallen anyone who’s wandered into the territory of the Ogres up the hill, that is, if they even lived to tell the tale.  There’s a long history there I won’t go into now, but, Mr. Case knew it best himself, make no mistake about it.  But oh, that Justin, ever the people person –or, I suppose, in this instance, even a monster person— ever the consummate salesman… just considered this an obstacle to be overcome.  Alas… I’m afraid such was just not the case for our friend.


My loyal employees, I humbly bear the dire burden of bringing you sad tidings of Mr. Case’s tragic demise today, as I’ve just learned he didn’t return safely from his last housecall to the Ogre home.  Something about a slip of the tongue, perhaps, I imagine, but who can say for certain… I’m afraid Justin did tend to get himself into trouble that way… I’ve heard that Mrs. Ogre can be quite fetching, if you’ve got an eye for that sort of thing, and heaven knows Mr. Case had eyes in the strangest of places, though, Mr. Ogre is not an enlightened fellow when it comes to relationships, it would seem.  When he isn’t in a giving mood, which is often, Mr. Robstyrr Einar Agni Ogrezinzki has been known to devour men whole just for looking at him crossways.  It’s a wonder our rep even made it to the beast's front porch, much less to his wife's drawers, er, drawing room, but there's no point in going there now.  I guess mean Ol’ Rob the Terrible must have not appreciated Mr. Case’s pitch that day.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetheart... here, have my handkerchief... yes, it's okay to cry... we all loved him...

If you’re wondering about his family, a trust has been set up by the company with respects to those he left behind…
His dog, “Sparky,” a two-legged Jack Russell terrier with no hindquarters and a set of brass balls…
His slow-moving, dim-witted daughter, Grouxyleena, a snub-nosed, three-toed, rather hairy, very hush-hush byproduct of that unfortunate incident with the Mediterranean tree-sloth after our last employee cruise…. I suppose there’s no accounting for taste, but, still… the child will need to be looked after, and, lord knows the mother’s not going to be of any help, that lazy loafer, so, please keep his creatur-, er, little darling, in your prayers, as well.

Oh, god, please welcome into your arms our good friend Justin, come to join his late wife, Amaia, who by now will have surely have forgiven him for setting that overflowing flagon on her head just that one time too many, and, lord, here’s hoping for his sake her teeth are still as rotten and her ears are just as ample as they ever were.

That's okay, son... there, there... let it out, man, let it go... that's right, we're all right there with you...

Please see Marla in HR, if you’ll be needing to schedule approved time off to see a grief counselor, or Maggie at the front desk for the details on the funeral time and location, if you’d like to attend or send your condolences.  The Styckey family will, of course, be providing a floral arrangement.

Or, if you’d rather, you can pitch in to our contribution, sending a donation in his honor to his favorite charity, the Save Our Socks Foundation… I think he’d like that very much.  This is one reputable organization that really does not receive enough media attention, which is doing above and beyond the call of duty to care for abused socks worldwide.  You’ve no idea the torture these poor garments are made to endure at the hands of their owners.  Justin enlightened me one Happy Hour with the tale of how he’d been awakened to their turmoil after a particularly educational conversation he’d had with an athletic sock on the eve of a blind date, who was a bit distressed over its role in the event.  These unfortunate articles are separated from their families and their mates, often lost in the wash, forced into the most noxious airless working conditions, rolled up, tied up, even safety-pinned, and you don’t even want to know the darker side of the locations they’re expected to be housed at times.  The dryer is often their only hope of escape, and SOS works with volunteers globally to help smuggle them to a safe haven, where they may live freely, and repurpose their existence, so they may have more fulfilled lives. 

Yes, our Justin was a true philanthropist, a man to be admired, amazed by, and deeply respected by all who knew him, and all whose wives, er, lives, he touched.
So, if you’ll please join with me now, folks...
let’s bow our heads together in a moment of silence from all of us at Styckey Panties for our dear friend and coworker, Justin Case, the Rep Rob ate.

LJ Idol | Season 6 • Week 8 - Topic: REPROBATE
This post has been brought to you through an association with the online writing community forum, LJ Idol.
If you have enjoyed this entry, please feel free to speak your piece, share the love, and pass it on...
...and thanks for stopping by.


( 59 comments — Leave a comment )
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Dec. 20th, 2009 08:16 am (UTC)
Bah Dah Dum! *rim shot*
Dec. 20th, 2009 08:24 am (UTC)
I know, I know, it was a long way to go for an incredibly cheesy joke, but, it was a lot more appealing than the other alternatives, and, likely (hopefully), quite a bit more enjoyable (at the very least, less gloomy) for everyone else than those options would have been. You know me... hate to be one to just do what everyone else will be doing! ;)
(no subject) - lavendergem - Dec. 20th, 2009 10:49 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 20th, 2009 08:55 am (UTC)
BEST USE OF THE PROMPT WORD EVER! I applaud you XD And I love the way you wrote that, I was thoroughly intrigued and then ZING, the punchline. Awesome stuff ;-)
Dec. 20th, 2009 08:36 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm so glad it worked... I was so afraid everyone would think it was lame! Thanks so much for reading!
(no subject) - mstrobel - Dec. 21st, 2009 12:00 am (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 20th, 2009 10:47 am (UTC)
Yes! That was a most powerful build-up to an exquisite shaggy dog ending.

Bravi, madam. Bravi.
Dec. 20th, 2009 09:03 pm (UTC)
Aheh... I'd never actually heard of the Shaggy Dog Tale until it was mentioned here, so I looked it up... and had to laugh out loud... it described: "an extremely long-winded tale featuring extensive narration of typically irrelevant incidents, usually resulting in a pointless or absurd punchline." Hehehe... I could not have invented a more accurate description for this piece! I'm just glad it's being well received... I knew it would be a groaner, I was just hoping there would be some smiles, too. Thanks for enjoying it!
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 20th, 2009 08:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
Dec. 20th, 2009 12:36 pm (UTC)
Justin Case - with a name like that, he HAD to come to a bad end :D

Love it!

Dec. 20th, 2009 08:50 pm (UTC)
It's funny, I actually DO know a person by this name. Karen Walker married David Case, and they had two sons. Their firstborn was a junior (David Case II), and their NEXT son, SECOND in line to be heir to the family throne, they actually DID name Justin. He quite literally IS Justin Case, in every sense. But, I couldn't pass up using the name.

Thanks for reading! ;)
Dec. 20th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
Oh, my. I guess that's one... dedicated sales rep who won't be crossing any more lines in this world.

Great, imaginitive entry!

Dec. 20th, 2009 08:57 pm (UTC)
So glad you enjoyed it... thanks for reading!
Dec. 20th, 2009 06:19 pm (UTC)
Oh, the Arctic trails have their shaggy tales,
And the shaggiest,... and this is straight!
Is a loop-the-loop from karmasoup,
'bout Case, the rep Rob ate!


Dec. 20th, 2009 08:51 pm (UTC)
A-DOR-a-BULL! Cleverest response I've EVER received! Thanks so much!
Dec. 20th, 2009 07:12 pm (UTC)
This is one of the best entries I've seen.
Dec. 20th, 2009 09:05 pm (UTC)
Oh, wow, I'm completely taken aback, and humbled... thank you so much!
Dec. 20th, 2009 09:26 pm (UTC)
hahaha, fantastic
Dec. 20th, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)
Hehehehe.... thanks!
Dec. 21st, 2009 12:13 am (UTC)
*chuckles* Fun!
Dec. 21st, 2009 02:03 am (UTC)
Glad you liked it! Thanks for reading!
Dec. 21st, 2009 12:17 am (UTC)
VERY Creative.

I wish I could think of things like this!:)

Great job:)

Justin Case...it's hard to believe (as you said in comments) that someone would name their kid that. LOL

I enjoyed this.
Dec. 21st, 2009 02:06 am (UTC)
Actually, the impetus for the punchline to this story is a tale I didn't feel I could tell, but, decided if it wasn't me telling it, I could have all sort of fun with with it.

And, yeah, you gotta wonder what some people are thinking!
Dec. 21st, 2009 01:59 am (UTC)
I'm a sucker for a well-told shaggy dog story. Nice job!
Dec. 21st, 2009 02:08 am (UTC)
I'm glad to know so many people are, apparently! I didn't even know what they were until I began receiving feedback here, but, I'm glad I've learned something new today!
Dec. 21st, 2009 03:27 am (UTC)
Totally groan. (And by groan I mean awesome.)

Happy to have you on the friends list!

Dec. 21st, 2009 03:31 am (UTC)
Thank you! Glad to have gained another suck er, supporter. ;)
Dec. 21st, 2009 04:41 am (UTC)
How punny! :D
Dec. 21st, 2009 09:10 am (UTC)
Dec. 21st, 2009 12:26 pm (UTC)
Ok. Groan! hahahahahaha. Totally fun!
Dec. 21st, 2009 03:44 pm (UTC)
Glad it was worth it... thanks for reading!
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( 59 comments — Leave a comment )


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