sympatheticLadies and Gentleman, if I could have your attention, please…
Excuse me, folks… if everyone could just quiet down for a moment, this will go more quickly and a lot smoother if we could all just come together…
Thank you. And thank you for coming. I’m sorry to call you in on such short notice so close to the end of the day, and I know you’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered you all here together this afternoon. Well, I’ll tell you, I have an announcement to make, and I’m afraid it’s not a very pleasant one… you see, I’ve just received some disturbing news. Many of you have worked side by side for a few years now with Justin, and I think we’ll all agree we’ve found him professional and congenial, if not at times a bit overtly lecherous and occasionally bullheaded, but, certainly no one can deny that he’s been one of the finest Account Executives this company has seen since its founding.
True, his method of gaining new clientele was a bit unorthodox, and I’ll admit when he first suggested he could sell our products door-to-door I was against it. Catalogues and department stores have done the Styckey family name proud in marketing for the ladies undergarment industry for generations, and I saw no need to expand our methods. But, Mr. Case had a manner of modeling our new fashion lines to desperate suburban housewives that simply could not be challenged… you really should have seen it! Oh, how that man loved his work!
And, yes, we told him there were some thresholds that just shouldn’t be crossed… why, everyone knows no good has ever befallen anyone who’s wandered into the territory of the Ogres up the hill, that is, if they even lived to tell the tale. There’s a long history there I won’t go into now, but, Mr. Case knew it best himself, make no mistake about it. But oh, that Justin, ever the people person –or, I suppose, in this instance, even a monster person— ever the consummate salesman… just considered this an obstacle to be overcome. Alas… I’m afraid such was just not the case for our friend.
My loyal employees, I humbly bear the dire burden of bringing you sad tidings of Mr. Case’s tragic demise today, as I’ve just learned he didn’t return safely from his last housecall to the Ogre home.
If you’re wondering about his family, a trust has been set up by the company with respects to those he left behind…
His dog, “Sparky,” a two-legged Jack Russell terrier with no hindquarters and a set of brass balls…
Oh, god, please welcome into your arms our good friend Justin, come to join his late wife, Amaia, who by now will have surely have forgiven him for setting that overflowing flagon on her head just that one time too many, and, lord, here’s hoping for his sake her teeth are still as rotten and her ears are just as ample as they ever were.
That's okay, son... there, there... let it out, man, let it go... that's right, we're all right there with you...
Please see Marla in HR, if you’ll be needing to schedule approved time off to see a grief counselor, or Maggie at the front desk for the details on the funeral time and location, if you’d like to attend or send your condolences. The Styckey family will, of course, be providing a floral arrangement.
Or, if you’d rather, you can pitch in to our contribution, sending a donation in his honor to his favorite charity, the Save Our Socks Foundation… I think he’d like that very much. This is one reputable organization that really does not receive enough media attention, which is doing above and beyond the call of duty to care for abused socks worldwide. You’ve no idea the torture these poor garments are made to endure at the hands of their owners. Justin enlightened me one Happy Hour with the tale of how he’d been awakened to their turmoil after a particularly educational conversation he’d had with an athletic sock on the eve of a blind date, who was a bit distressed over its role in the event. These unfortunate articles are separated from their families and their mates, often lost in the wash, forced into the most noxious airless working conditions, rolled up, tied up, even safety-pinned, and you don’t even want to know the darker side of the locations they’re expected to be housed at times. The dryer is often their only hope of escape, and SOS works with volunteers globally to help smuggle them to a safe haven, where they may live freely, and repurpose their existence, so they may have more fulfilled lives.
Yes, our Justin was a true philanthropist, a man to be admired, amazed by, and deeply respected by all who knew him, and all whose wives, er, lives, he touched.
So, if you’ll please join with me now, folks...
let’s bow our heads together in a moment of silence from all of us at Styckey Panties for our dear friend and coworker, Justin Case, the Rep Rob ate.
LJ Idol | Season 6 • Week 8 - Topic: REPROBATE
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