I would never presume to claim that I know everything, or that my way is always best, and yet, there have been some times when I’ve become convinced, looking around at how dysfunctional our broken down system of human interaction has gotten these days, that certain aspects of how the world works could be so much easier on everyone, if only I would be allowed to make a few minor tweaks here and there.
To wit, I give you the following
Top Ten Reasons Everything Would Be Better If I Had My Way
To begin with, I would:
# 10. …Remove Overused, Ignorant, Obnoxious, Meaningless Phrases from Language
- “I/he/she was all, like” (where ‘was all’ appears in place of a verb)
- “Y’know,” “KnowhuddImean/KnowhatImsayin?” (where syllables are indistinguishable)
- “LITERALLY” (where the word is inaccurately used and inappropriately stressed)
- “F Y I, by the way” (where the letters are spoken)
- “Outside the box” (where you’re neither as original nor as clever as you think you are)
Each abuser of the preceding expressions (as well as others to be added later – check the official list regularly) will be required to pay a toll to any casual listener with a more intelligent command of speech, the rate of which may be determined by the most skilled communicator within earshot. If no such orator may be found, a general tax may be levied against the offending party, to be paid into a general pool for funding public education, directed toward the improvement of diction and grammar.
- “No offense/I don’t mean to be rude, BUT,”
In general, one can most often assume that any sentence which begins with a declaratory proclamation of no intent to harm, followed by a “BUT,” automatically negates any half-hearted attempt at an almost feigned apology, as well as the entirety of the statement which preceded that particular conjunction. Therefore, it shall be at the discretion of the receiving party of such a proclamation to administer to the issuer upon his completion of such a statement a swift kick to his nether region. Should the issuer choose to run prior to receiving the appropriate penalty, the receiver may maintain the rights to deliver said penalty without warning at any other interval offering such conditions as when both are properly positioned to allow for doing so.
This same penalty may also be applied to persons making simple conversation overly complex with the use of unnecessarily large words, when simpler versions would otherwise suffice. (i.e., “utilize” instead of “use,” etc.) The accused may potentially escape penalty by both 1, providing a verifiably accurate definition of the word(s) in question, AND 2, offering an acceptable defense for the use of the more complex word in place of the more obvious choice.
- “I don’t know what to tell ya”
- “It is what it is”
These indifferent, dispassionate, dismissive substitutions for legitimate personal empathy and understanding add no inherent value to any exchange between people. Therefore, the presenter of such trite tripe may be required to submit to a type of mobile solitary confinement, in which no other person may interact with him/her throughout everyday life until such time as he/she can demonstrate that he/she has obtained at least a general comprehension of genuine compassion.
#9. …Abolish SPAM and L337 $P34K
Nothing good ever has ever come from either of these useless forms of attempts at communication. But I don’t have to complain about it for my own sake. I’m much less concerned with my own personal annoyance over them than I am vindicated by the passion with which they are despised by The Darwinatrix. I don’t have to establish some complex system of collecting data on transgressors, followed by some more intricate form of retribution. In the case of this particular type of infraction, The Darwinatrix will take care of that for me. I am simply content to be assured that you are on her hit list. She will find you. And you will be punished.
#8. …Make Asinine Phone Usage Painful (for the perpetrator)
- Talking/Texting on cellphones when at a register while a counterperson is trying to process the transaction (Customers)
- Ignoring live customers in favor of phone use (Retail personnel)
- Talking on cell phones in otherwise quiet public locations (movies, performances, the library, bus/subway, public restrooms, etc.) at length about personal matters
- Talking LOUDLY (about anything) on cellphones in public
- Talking/Texting in the presence of/to the exclusion of friends/dates/family, etc.
- Talking/Texting while operating a vehicle to the exclusion of proper attention/control of said vehicle
It’s understandable that in certain circumstances, one may have to briefly step out of an otherwise focused environment to accept or make a brief contact with another party, such as to confirm an appointment date/time, give/receive a test result/news, etc. However, users who frequently commit prolonged public “overexposure” to inconsiderate phone uses will have their phone devices confiscated, and replaced with a surgically implanted blue-tooth style model. This model will function much as the previous version did, however, it may not be removed without irreparable damage to the bearer, and will monitor duration and decibel level compared against GPS location, and when these in combination violate programmed parameters, it will administer a small dose of a mild animal tranquilizer injected directly into the bloodstream, which will cause the infringing party to pass out for a short burst, to awaken after three minutes or so with a massive headache.
#7. …Moderate Public Establishment PA System Announcements
- Incomprehensible gibberish no human ear can interpret
- Unprofessional /dimwitted / moronic speaking habits
- Broken, unintelligible English to primarily English speaking listeners
- Faulty audio mechanics
- Broadcast messages that end with a clattering receiver
All PA transmissions will be relayed through smart AI filters that interpret sound and language quality. Any transmissions which do not pass socially acceptable standards will be censored, and replaced with a prerecorded message delivered in a soothing voiceover.
"Pardon the interruption. A public announcement cannot be played at this time, as the PA system operator attempting to administer the announcement is incompetent. Please listen to the music while the operator is replaced with a more proficient speaker, or the transmission is canceled. Thank you for your patience.”
#6. …Eliminate Insensitive Music Intrusions
- Loud, obnoxious singing along with a personal listening device
- Music played through headphones loud enough to invalidate the effect of headphones
- Music played loud enough from a car to be heard across eight lines of traffic for three miles in any direction
All auto transport passageways will be equipped with subterranean e-m-p field devices calibrated to trigger in localized bursts at decibel levels outside of accepted program parameters, rendering the wrongdoing vehicle immediately inoperable.
#5. …Penalize Sunday Drivers
- Slow drivers in the fast lane
I've got nothing extravagant for this one. I'm simply thinking laws shall be passed which would allow for them to be shot on sight, clean and simple.
#4. …Eradicate Impatient Boarding
- Trying to get on the Elevator/Bus/Subway before letting disembarking passengers get off
Sensors in the passage doors will account for enough time passing for passengers to depart. If movement through the entrance in is attempted prior to the cessation of movement through the entrance out, the sensors will activate a directional trigger that will spray only the embarking passenger about the ankles, knees, and calves with a good healthy dousing of brilliant crimson red paint.
#3. …Restrict Personal Space Invasion
- Shoulder surfing so close I can smell your breath
- Putting fingers on my computer screen
My workspace comes customized with a highly sensitive proximity detector that releases a boxing glove filled with cement from an accordion-expandable support frame directly into the general vicinity of the tresspasser, which will either render the miscreant unconscious, or cause him to take a step back. Whichever should happen to be the end result, problem solved.
#2. …Reduce Inefficiency / Anti Conservational Behaviors
- Using the ____________ down to the last ____________ without getting a new ____________.
— Milk / drop / bottle
— Bread / end slice crumbs / loaf
— Toilet paper / few squares / roll
— ...etc. etc. etc.
Frequent delinquents of this nature will be required to work the express lane checkout counter at a Walmart on the edge of a trailer park during a price rollback frenzy; one hour per offense.
#1. …Minimize Ignorant Proselytizing
- Presenting recycled uneducated regurgitation of unsubstantiated conservative or leftist propaganda as fact to rally support, rile opponents, and instigate hot-tempered debates without even the aid of so much as a Google search to confirm or deny supposed shocking truths, incendiary outrages, or appalling statistics
Culprits will be hounded by bored paparazzi and written up in scandalous exposés by the most inventive of out-of-work bottom-feeding media hacks from the supermarket tabloid circuit for viral internet marketing releases across multiple mainstream channels.
Now, of course, while you may be inclined to call me a narcissist at wanting my way in these matters, do first bear in mind that, many of these suggested solutions will require the capacity of technology to catch up to a level at which they may be implemented; however, rest assured that those with the ability to bring about such advancements in science and technology already have laid out alternative schemes for permanently vanquishing generic asshattery once and for all from the face of the planet, to which my more benevolent options pale in comparison, and in their world, there would be little room for second chances. Trust me, we're all better off my way.
So, really, what does narcissism have to do with me? The fact is, you’re probably better off asking, what does it have to do with all of us. Because, you see, you may not be ready to admit it just yet, but we all know that in reality, the geek shall inherit the earth. You can run, but you cannot hide from the inevitable truth that we are rapidly hurtling towards a stage of evolution in which we’ll be the only ones who are left in the world with the power to control it.
We are geek. Resistance is futile.
LJ Idol | Season 8 • Week 4 - Topic: NARCISSISM
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