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Without Capacity to Comprehend

broken cycle
i prophesied the changes of my life
when i was only 21
that i would wander down a different path
and that my life had just begun
yet what i didn’t know then
was that i didn’t know me
but for a faded concept
of who i used to be
cause the pieces of my life form a puzzle
made from portions of presence and parts of the past
and you can’t take out one from another
with each thread the fate of the future is cast
i came to you with wounds you couldn’t heal
at such a raw and tender age
you asked and ordered trust without resolve
with doubts that no one could assuage


i'd tell you everything i understood
if only it would do you any good

you thought i kept my outer layer tough
but perfect wasn’t ever good enough

though shaping my image was never your place
you molded a mask and you called it my face
and when it no longer fit
after i had grown out of it
you saw me for the first time and shunned me in disgrace

yet i won’t try to deny
my faith or duality
as life still paints the picture
of my identity
cause the pieces of my life are a puzzle
as i picture the present and ponder the past
don’t distance me from how i got here
moments of memory are stolen too fast

but i don’t challenge who i am
or what has come before
as all of my components
are laid upon your door
for god is watching over you and me
though each one calls a different name
and though we travel disconnected lanes
the one we walk with is the same

i prophesied the changes of my life
when i was only 21
and now I journey on a different path
someday my life will have begun

LJ Idol | Season 8 Week 5 - Topic: INCONCEIVABLE
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( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 23rd, 2011 03:12 am (UTC)
I like this a LOT! Read it through several times and got more out of it each time. Thank you for taking the risk to write poetry. It is beautiful.
Nov. 23rd, 2011 03:27 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. I'm so glad you liked it. I was so nervous about putting poetry out there. To be fair, this is not just poetic in nature only; it's actually lyrics to a song I wrote, and I was concerned that the varying rhythms and cadences which flow well in the music would not work as well in print alone, but, this being a writing contest, I wanted the words to have their own power, as it is that power which drives the piece. Additionally, I don't specifically mention the topic within it, but, for me, the nature of the message itself is about that aspect of existence which is most inconceivable, and I figured this being poetry, it should stand as an art which says that by itself, so that I didn't have to. I thought about working it in, but I figured I could just as easily get the inconceivable across without being direct about it, so that I didn't have to get too cheesy with the lines anywhere. I'm very appreciative that you followed through with this work, and thanks again very much for sharing.
Nov. 23rd, 2011 03:46 am (UTC)
I'd love to hear the song.
Nov. 23rd, 2011 04:53 am (UTC)
Thanks for the thought... I'd be happy to share it, but right now it's only a melody with no backing tracks recorded, and there are gaps that should be filled by instrumental parts that have not yet been written, so it would feel a bit hollow as just a vocal. I'm sure I will continue moving forward with taking the piece into the studio, as I'm feeling pretty good about the way I'm hearing it, but there are multiple layers to be set, and it may come out with a few minor variations before I have a finished product. Either way, there was no way I was going to get these out and have a sound byte to go with it by the deadline tonight, so I'm hoping for now that the message gets me by.
Nov. 23rd, 2011 04:01 am (UTC)
I think this was really beautiful!
Nov. 23rd, 2011 04:54 am (UTC)
Thanks, happy to have connected with you.
Nov. 23rd, 2011 08:41 pm (UTC)
Lovely to see poetry! This feels so connected to your emotions. Nice job!
Nov. 23rd, 2011 08:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I tend to keep a fairly tight leash on sharing genuine emotion with virtual strangers. Even the true to life stories I tell don't usually go very deep. In music, though, I am more forthcoming, probably because I'm only speaking the emotion, without telling the story. So, with me, in this environment, anyway, it seems you sort of get one or the other, not usually both. I'm a bit of a semi private person, while at the same time being something of an open book, it all just depends on the subject, and the company, so I'm generally a bit pleasantly surprised whenever anything is well received. Glad you enjoyed this, and thanks for reading.
Nov. 23rd, 2011 08:55 pm (UTC)
I especially liked the ending of this.
Nov. 24th, 2011 06:28 am (UTC)
Thanks... that's where I packed the most punch. Thanks for stopping by.
Nov. 23rd, 2011 10:25 pm (UTC)
Oh neat. Is this a song? It sounds like it could be.
Nov. 24th, 2011 06:29 am (UTC)
It is, actually. I didn't try to get it recorded in time to make the deadline, but that is on my list of things to do.
Nov. 24th, 2011 12:29 am (UTC)
I'm usually very picky about poetry, but I loved this. Everything so beautifully stated.
Nov. 24th, 2011 06:34 am (UTC)
Thanks so much. For someone picky about poetry, I'm a (happily) surprised it stands up, since I have multiple meters throughout, but, at least there is a rhythmic, musical pattern to them, so I'm very happy it worked for you, as I was a bit nervous about it, initially. Music actually comes more naturally for me than prose, so whenever I'm pressed for time, it's fairly easy for me to spill whatever's on my mind into lyrics, but then it's a touch nailbiting from then on for a while, as that is much more a piece of who I am than anything else I ever put out.
Nov. 24th, 2011 04:36 am (UTC)
I love

for god is watching over you and me
though each one calls a different name
and though we travel disconnected lanes
the one we walk with is the same
Nov. 24th, 2011 06:38 am (UTC)
Thanks. Those are some of my favorites in this piece, too. This is a message I really wish I could share with the world. This in itself is actually where my work fits in with the title. I believe the human psyche has not the capacity to comprehend the concept of god, much less to determine the will of an omniscient being over all existence. God, I believe, is inconceivable. We fight wars over our understanding of what we perceive as god, when, in the end, like the blind men and the elephant, I think humanity will find that everyone was right, and everyone was wrong. Thank you for reading.
Nov. 25th, 2011 01:53 am (UTC)
I like it. Well written.
Nov. 25th, 2011 06:19 am (UTC)
Nov. 25th, 2011 11:04 pm (UTC)
This is really quite lovely. Are you considering Country music for the melody?
Nov. 26th, 2011 12:27 am (UTC)
Thanks, glad you liked it. I'm not a fan of country music at all, so this tune is decidedly un-country. I generally tend to be more influenced by classic blues rock, though this song is a bit more mellow, and almost has an Irish folk feel to it in places, with a hint of poprock in the grander sections.
Nov. 26th, 2011 03:13 am (UTC)
How interesting. I read it as fitting nicely into a country story theme but I can see where it would fit other genres as well. I hope you are able to get it set to music in any event. It would be a very cool accomplishment!
Nov. 27th, 2011 01:40 pm (UTC)
Nice. I like it. I like how it wraps itself up like going full circle.
Nov. 28th, 2011 01:42 am (UTC)
Thanks... that's kind of the way it actually happened in real life. Glad you liked it.
Nov. 27th, 2011 09:45 pm (UTC)
This is gorgeous! I'm particularly picky about poetry or any other type of lyrical entry because they usually are full of trite rhymes, but this has soul and flow and feeling that carries me. I can't wait to hear the song!
Nov. 27th, 2011 11:26 pm (UTC)
This definitely reads more like a song than a poem. Nicely written!
Nov. 28th, 2011 01:59 am (UTC)
That's its general flow, anyway... happy it comes off that way. Thanks for stopping by.
Nov. 28th, 2011 03:22 pm (UTC)
I noticed that you commented that these were lyrics, and that's exactly what I was doing as I read this: singing the words to myself, making a melody

Nov. 28th, 2011 05:23 pm (UTC)
Oh, that's really neat to hear... it's kinda cool to know that the words themselves naturally have a sense of tonality to them... I think it's ingrained in me because I've been writing music longer than I've been writing anything else, to find words that feel musical. Thanks for sharing that!
( 28 comments — Leave a comment )