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The Original Poly Stalker Saga...

This is the original text of this entire sage, in its entirety.  You should have access to this if you have asked to be on the poly filter.  But, don't complain to me if it bores your eyes into the back of their sockets!

To get the full consecutively accurate effect from start to finish, read it from the bottom up:

Re: Assignment: Just One Date
Thu Mon Mar 24, 2005 12:11 am

Thank you Mick I did take allot of what you said to heart I have been over thinking it to death I was just reminded to day buy a good friend that mistakes can be made ands learned from your advice was exactly what I need to hear there is so much more to be thankful for I know that I will have more dates and more date the never will get worked out I am just being who I am for the most part i'm just hoping that what ever happens tomorrow can truly be the best day ever to all the other out their I want to thank for putting me strait and to Mick for being the voice of reason  wish me luck I hope to have a nether date soon this time i’m just going to  be my self and enjoy

Re: Boyfriend classes
Tue Mon Mar 22, 2005 12:48 pm


Re: Assignment: Just One Date
Tue Mon Mar 22, 2005 12:48 pm

I really like casual dates. I ask my friends out on "dates" all the time - somehow when we call it a date it makes in more special.  I like to have an excuse to get out of my grubby clothes and know I'm going to have some good conversation.

I don't know if I would go out on a date with someone I wasn't interested in *at all*.  I don't mean I need to be sexually interested in them, but to be honest there needs to be something about them that intrigues me and makes me want to really get to know them.  I feel like I have limited time at this point in my life, with having enough energy for my marriage and already established friendships... it's not that I don't want to meet new people, because I do!  But some people I just don't feel a real connection with, and I'm pretty intuitive-- usually I know quickly if I'm going to mesh well energetically with someone (that sounds really "whoo whoo", lol.)

Rose and I also go out on a date every Tuesday night - we switch off planning it.  Sometimes this is the only time we get to really relax with each other all week. We both look forward to it all week.  Usually we hit a movie at one of the landmark theatres (the lagoon, uptown, or edina).  They have a deal where you can get 5 movies passes for I think $26.  You can only use it during the week, but you save a few bucks off the regular price.  We also like to eat at cool independently owned restaurants.  If you go to http://www.tcoriginals.com/tuesdays.html you can see a bunch of restaurants that are part of this group where if you eat at 4 different restaurants on Tuesdays and send in a little slip, you get a $50 gift certificate to one of them!  We're already on our second round -- it's a great deal.

I'm all about the deals. ;) 


Re: Assignment: Just One Date
Tue Mon Mar 22, 2005 12:37 am

Never worry about your spelling, I'd much rather hear SOMETHING and figure it out, than have you not say anything at all... :) I hope you weren't offended, I honestly thought you had brought up some great issues. It was just a bit hard to read :)   Again, please just believe I didn't mean any offense :)  And have a great nights sleep :)

Re: Assignment: Just One Date
Tue Mon Mar 22, 2005 12:25 am

thakns to everyone for the woderfull advice i may not know how to spell but i know where to find friends thanks alot i am going to be my self and not worry about ti  well i'm off to bed to dream of bunnys and tall grass night

Re: Assignment: Just One Date
Tue Mon Mar 22, 2005 12:10 am

A piece of advice which Garth would impart: Be attentive.  If you express interest, be sure to follow it up.  Don't contact her so much she gets scared, but enough to keep her attention.  If you ask her a question, try and remember the answer.  Yes, we all forget, but with important stuff, write it down (not in front of her!) if you have to.  You'd be surprised how many little ways there are to let someone know you continue to enjoy them even after you're in a relationship.  You can do so many things without spending a dime, but you have to remember what's important to them.  Garth has had women friends ask him to take their boyfriends shopping, because he buys better gifts for them than their bf. 

Re: Assignment: Just One Date
Mon Mar 21, 2005 3:53 pm

Hello Jayce, Trina and everyone,
Good advice as usual Trina. I'll have to decline on the assignment, too, due in part to the fact that I work two jobs and to a much greater degree that, try as I might, I simply haven't met anyone here in BF Iowa that I can even *slightly* relate to/connect with. But I will follow that advice when I get to the Pacific Northwest this summer.
Jayce I would add one thing about being yourself and sharing yourself with a woman. Yes, it's important to be yourself and I agree with what several others have said about revealing the deeper parts of yourself slowly, over a period of a few dates. I would also caution you, if you find yourself getting really excited about someone, to not reveal too much of those feelings too soon. That is not to say you shouldn't tell her you feel like the two of you have a lot in common, are really connecting, or that you're excited about the potential you see between the two of you. That would be great for anyone to hear. But think of romantic thoughts shared as... well, a sprinkling of spice, if you will. Give enough to enhance the connection, but not so much you overpower her.
I say this because I had recent experience with a man who saw my personal ad and decided he "loved" me, revealed this to me in the very first contact with me, along with graphic descriptions of what he liked to do in bed. NOT COOL. Although I fancy myself an incurable romantic who is highly sexual, this was just WAY too much information for that soon in our getting to know each other. So, I didn't respond to him, he got angry, started bombarding me with "I love you why don't you love me" emails, and for a while there, I felt like I had a stalker on my hands.
So there is such a thing as giving too much too soon. No matter how much you think you're going to fall for someone, or how hot and sexy you think she is, give this information sparingly, or you will send her screaming in the other direction.
Just my $.02 worth...
blessings, all.
And a most happy spring!

Re: Assignment: Just One Date
Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:40 pm

Awesome :) I'll more than likely take you up on that ;) I hope to get to know lots of folks down there and have a blast... and on a psositive note, Plans are accelerating, I"m going to be taking my van down and parking it till I find someone to work on it, which means I won't have to rent a U-haul hehe :) So I can go as soon as I figure out what to do with the extra stuff in the shed... :)

Re: Assignment: Just One Date
Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:36 pm

Trina has excellent points on all counts!

Ask her about herself and you don't need to worry about how much or how little you say about yourself.

I really have to agree on friendships.  Kent and I have dated in the local poly scene in the past and been a bit discouraged when things didn't work out.  Now our primary focus is friendships.  We're happy and satisfied in our relationship, not enough to go all out poly-fi, but enough to not be actively seeking additional partners either.  So we're keeping it simple. 

And I have to say, when it comes to friendly get togethers, despite attack sweet and sour sauce, Chinese Buffet still gets my vote for top places to have a good time and get to know people.  Though kicking back with some pizza and movies or a bucket of chicken is a pretty close second.

So, Fredo, you're more than welcome to join us some night.


Re: Assignment: Just One Date
Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:17 pm

In her sage advice to Jayce, Trina wrote:
"Here's an assignment for all of you: ask someone today out on a date with you." <snippage>

And MomHen clucks up:
I *THINK* what Trina intended was: ... for all of you who are still looking ... and ... after checking with those partners to whom you owe allegience, and after being very clear to the current candidate ...

Whether you're Polyamorous, Polyfidelitous, or a swinger, if you're involved with someone currently, you should be communicative enough to let them know what's going on to avoid fallout later.  You **NEVER** want to cheat on your current relationships.  In this case, "cheat" is defined as as getting involved with someone else without all parties knowing what your status is.

Also, Trina, I politely decline the homework assignment, as...
1 -- I'm currently booked for 8 days out of every week, and
2 -- I'm in a stable relationship and not looking to expand my options for the foreseeable future.

"MomHen" 8>}=| *cluck!*

Re: Assignment: Just One Date
Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:00 pm

Great advice, both of you :)  I know one of my goals when I get down there is to really work on developing casual friendships... Course that doesn't mean I'm avoiding the idea of relationships, but regular friendships are something I've found fairly scarce here... hopefully that'll change down there, I know the brief times I've been down I've found a lot more people that I can relax and be myself around, so hopefully that'll be the case :)

Re: I need boy friend classes stat
Mon Mar 21, 2005 12:45 pm

Hey, I'll agree that a spell checker program would be appropriate for you, Jayce, but I'll also agree that its best to be yourself.  If it turns out that you two weren't meant for each other, then that's ok, because you'd have been miserable together.

On a date, don't forget to ask her about herself.  Everyone likes to talk about themselves, and your worry that you might 'say too much' is valid, whether in the sense of telling too much detail at the wrong stage, or whether you dominate the conversation for two hours. So ask her questions about her life, her hobbies, her history.  If there is a long silence to fill, don't just make a statement about yourself - ask her a question.

Assignment: Just One Date

Now, Jayce, about how you feel 16 sometimes, that awkwardness - that's a symptom of someone who hasn't had enough casual dates or short relationships.

This post is for every member here: People, do not stay at home until you find the Shining Star who makes you drag your tongue on the ground; go on dates with lots of other people, pretty, plain, tall, short, girls or guys you wouldn't look at twice, just to get practice at being on a date, to practice your date skills, see?  So when that Shining Star of a person *does* show up on your radar, you are more relaxed and confident, and you know how much info is 'too much' from past feedback.  Date anyone, even your same gender, even if you aren't gay or bi.

(My husband and I have both gone on dates that we initiated, with men and women both who we knew weren't interested in ever having sex with our gender.  So what?  We had a fun time, and great conversation, every time.)

[ Note that I never have, and never recommend, sex on a casual date.  I think that sex should only be done within an established
relationship.  So I am just talking here about social times outside of the bedroom. ]

So do go on lots of dates with various people, just to have some fun together (I don't mean sex when I say 'fun', by the way) and you can both practice your dating skills, and together you can find fun places to go on dates, like that.  You don't have to have a 5-year-plan laid out, its just a date.  Or it could become a three-month relationship, those are great too, because you really get to know someone that way.  But you are poly, and polys break up all the time, its normal and expected, so take it all casually.   Monogamists have so much stress because they are always searching for The One True Love, and we are lucky to be able to see past that script.  Embrace the variety of human diversity - date lots, laugh lots, don't stay home lonely.  Practice and practice, until that day comes when you see that Shining Star across the room and it takes your breath away - and you will be ready, with all the info about romantic hidden bistros, and great day trips, and which hair mousse and breath mint work best for you. :)

Here's an assignment for all of you: ask someone today out on a date with you.  Ask someone who you've chatted with maybe five times in your life and who you never considered asking out before.  Know that its just a date, just a few hours with this one person, it won't kill you.  Know that its ok if they say no, that hey, there's gotta be at least fifty other people you can ask in two days time.  Someone will say yes, sure, here's my number, call me and we'll discuss the details.  They don't have to be pretty, or tall, or thin.  And guess what!!  Neither do you.  The pressure is off, it could be anybody, and it could be fun, and its Just One Date.  Good Luck Everyone!!

Hugs, T

Re: I need boy friend classes stat
Mon Mar 21, 2005 12:18 pm

Jayce, you're not the only person who suffers from opening up too much too fast.  It's a hard one to get past.

The only thing I can say is don't LIE, but don't tell the whole truth either.  Just condense things into very general statements.  For example with your intuitive dreams you could say things like "I'm very spiritual."or "I have had some very interesting dream experiences."  Then if she ASKS you to explain, you can start off with "Ok this might sound a little weird, try not to freak out."

Then take it from there.

I have to agree open the grammar and spell checking.  I am really terrible at spelling and grammar as well, I often type everything in a word processing program and correct it before I send.

And Fredo has a point.  You ARE risking loosing someone by being completely who you are, but if that's the case than it just wasn't meant to be anyway.

It's also true that if it doesn't work out, there is probably something much better waiting for you.  I have someone in my life now that I dated about 7 years ago.  He recently came back into my life.  He's the kind of person I would have never expected to be attracted to someone like me but he damn near worships me. 

You need to have faith that someone will like you for who you are.  It sucks when that person seems very elusive and nonexistent, but it's still better than having to go through a relationship faking it.


Re: I need boy friend classes stat
Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:40 am

Well, the simplest advice to that (besides using punctuation and a spell checker. :) Actually I tease, but it is a bit hard to read, I had to really re-read over it a bunch of times just trying to figure out what you meant in some parts... and I'm not saying that to be mean, just honest. :) ) But my advice is, sure... some women are turned off or nervous around a guy who opens up too much, but if you try and change who you are to get women to like you, You'll find women who don't like you for who you are. :) You are limiting your dating options by being yourself, sure, but you also want a woman you can relax and let your guard down around... not to say ok yeah start every date with, "Hi, my names Jayce, and when I was a young boy... all the way up to and then I walked in here and met you, and now my life is complete."  *Grin*

Re: I need boy friend classes stat
Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:25 am

the list  whnit come to my life and what i have been though i will tell any one that i'm proud of how much i have over come my past is a open book i cant say i do that with every one but but for the most part i do my best  the prblems i have is the not so open is my dating experace to date i fell i have over share information some time and scare girls off becuse i have done that so i relly get cofused about if i should write a tell all book or keep some locked in a safe  i know i try to be open and honest as much as i can i'm relly shy at fist but then when i get to know some one i do become more rellaxed my wost fear is opps i said toomuch  or if i share my intuneative dreams and expecaily when it come to love i think to my self they just think im a ax murder when i just feel ver srtonly about how i fell i belive in true love and prefect love and i belive in prefect trust but i have to say i fell like a student  the only thing i dont like about my self right now is i just dont know how to let it be just live in the moment some time i do well some time i dont   well that abotu all i know 

Re: I need boy friend classes stat
Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:12 am

lol :) Don't we all, man... :) When I get down there later this week, we can talk. :) I don't claim to be an expert by any means, but it'll help to know specifically what you're having problems with, you say you want to learn how to be open and honest, then say you always are.... where do you have trouble... and please, don't hesitate to take this off list if you feel more comfortable... though if we keep it on list, who knows someone else who's too shy to ask might end up learning something, or someone who's more of an expert than me, might jump in and contribute. :) hehe

Re: I need boy friend classes stat
Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:07 am

i am 30 but some time i fell 16 when it come to relasion ships

Re: I need boy friend classes stat
Mon Mar 21, 2005 11:01 am

Hmm, not often you see someone being up front and asking for help... I'm trying to think what I could say... Keep in mind, that everyplace is different and advice that worked for me up here in a small town might not carry over to down there, in which case I might be be one asking for help next week *grin* hehe
My first bit of advice is BE YOURSELF... you will not be what everyone is looking for, and as tempting as it might be to be what someone wants because you KNOW you HAVE to be with this one girl, she is everything you're looking for and no one else will ever live up to it... just remember, if you're not what she's looking for, you'll wear yourself out trying ot be something you're not and eventually she's going to see through it.  And no matter how intensely you feel like you HAVE to be with this EXACT person, trust me, those feelings will come along again for someone else eventually...  Admittedly, I don't know how old you are or anything about you...
Also, and this one is a hard one to learn... in a Poly group... the other men aren't competition... and in fact the better you get along with them, (in general) the better off you'll be... get to the meetings, and actually talk to the men, not just the women... show you're not just in this for sex :) If you're have specific questions, let me know privately, but keep in mind, as I said, I'm new to this particular scene too, and what I'm saying is what I ASSUME would be true... we'll see if it actually holds true. :)

I need boy friend classes stat
Mon Mar 21, 2005 10:39 am

i relly need your help i have wanted to learn how to be open and honest with my reliasion ship and i allways am but i relly need some help i meat a girl who is poly and i relly want to see if it can work is there any one who is willing to teah me and or giule me in learnign more bout what i need to learn i have not dated for a long time and i relly am lost if any one can help me or just give me some pointers i am willing to learn grow expend and do what ever it takes to just enjoy the ride i have to if not for this one but for the next one and any others that will be in my life
thanks jayce i wish i could make it to more meetings i really do what to come work suck right now