I love the visuals, the sounds, the smells... more than the way it feels on my skin, the drip of the soft rain on my face, my body... the whisper of the wind through the trees, the rustle of the leaves, the bright flash of light in the crackle of electricity blazing up the night sky... the aroma of fresh wet dirt, and the moisture of all that has been connected to the earth now returning to it, lingering in the air... I love what it does to my spirit.
Tonight I picked up an empty cardboard box of Blue Moon beer, with the intention of a task as simple as walking it outside to the recycling bin. I was barefoot, and, barely dressed, but, the song in the wind and the rain called to me, and, I couldn't help but to just keep walking.
I got to the end of the drive, and looked around at the little houses surrounding the cul de sac where we live, quiet in the night, but, radiating a vibrancy of life brighter than the handful of porch lights and warmly glowing living rooms that flickered in the deepening dusk. I kept a steady pace in the center of the lane where the smoothness of the road worn down by oil slicks looked almost stygian in the blackness, and, I closed my eyes and let my feet find the gentle path like nimbly stepping along the level stones of a river bed, and smiled, amused at myself for finding the beauty of nature even in the hardened mark of man.
I marveled, too, at how clearly the symphony of the evening rang out against the stillness of the secluded neighborhood, and, noted that I wouldn't hear such depths of those same tones in the city... I remember standing out on the sidewalk during a greater downpour early autumn of last year, while I was still just outside downtown... I wouldn't have had the guts to traverse dead center of a busy avenue there that night, or any other, for that matter. I contemplated my adult identification as a city girl, wondering how I got there, remembering growing up 17 miles out in the country on 10 acres of woods, where I knew every inch barefoot and blindfolded, and I realized, what I love about the city is the vibrancy of life.... so, yeah, I guess I really am an extrovert, after all, sometimes. But, as squeals of laughter pour forth from the front den of a nearby rambler while the circle of friends & family inside deal another round of cards, I realize, though I don't know anything about anyone there, and, for all I know they could be nothing like me or anyone I'm close to at all, for at least that moment, anyway, I'm certain that I truly love each and every one of them.
I had a lazy lilting conversation with an old friend today, and, in catching up on days long gone, among other things, we prattled on about whether or not I was happy. The truth is, I never strive to be happy. I strive to be content. What I guess I hadn't explained very well about that, though, because, sometimes words escape me, was that, I don't believe it isn't possible to be happy... I just don't want to cling so tightly to the idea of a permanent goal I can't possibly hang on to forever. Mainly because, happiness comes and goes, and, you can't expect it to stay. Maybe I've been made aware of the fact that you have to make the most of every moment by experiences in life which remind me that the next moment may never come. Maybe because I've been so close to a moment where the next one DIDN'T come, it taught me that you have to make the most of any happiness you have in the small doses it gets meted out sometimes, and otherwise adapt your perspective to accomodate around those moments when it is temporarily elusive, so that in the grand scheme of life, then, you can always be content, no matter what your circumstances.
But, tonight, laughing at myself dancing like a fool to the rhythm of the pulse of life, humming the refrain of a melody stuck in my head, soaked to the hide, and thankful that the neighbors were too unaware of me to bother to have the evidently intoxicated screwball in the street hauled off to either detox or the loony bin... I appreciated... RIGHT NOW, I'm truly happy. I didn't want that moment to end... If I could have, I would have stayed there all night, or at least until I had to pee, or began to get eaten alive by mosquitoes.... oh yeah, that's right... I am human, after all, aren't I?
*Sigh* ...oh well, then. Now back to the laundry, I guess.