Tags: irl



So, there I am sitting at my office, minding my own business, getting some work done, where I generally barely remember that my IM is on, and this random stranger pings me with the sensationally beguiling opener, "Wanna #_@%?"

To which, quite naturally I responded, "But of course! How fortuitous... I was just hoping to drop everything in my life right now for an afternoon quickie with a complete unknown. Tell you what, I know of a steamy gas station bathroom at a truckstop 28 miles outside of civilization just a touch offroad out of view from the highway... I'll be the one with the hockey mask and the machete."

His reply? "Great! Just give me 20 minutes!"



Who knew my boobs had the skills to find and manipulate hot keys?

So, I’m sitting at my keyboard today, and my supervisor is just over the cubicle wall… he’s wanting me to give him a synopsis of data I’ve compiled.  Usually he stands annoyingly over my shoulder to do this, but he’s just figured out he forgot something at his desk, and has jaunted over there, coming right back.   


While he’s stepped away, I lean forward to grab a couple papers which had fallen behind my PC from the edge of the processor and put them out of the way.  This is an area of my desk that isn’t touched all that much, and is not within my normal extended reach from my position in the chair, so I have to stand a bit and bend forward.  Doing so brings a part of me that normally doesn’t touch the keyboard in contact with the keys.  When I sit back down, I am momentarily stunned by the site that greets me, and mutter aloud, “Well, that’s interesting.”


Within seconds, my supervisor is annoyingly at my shoulder again, and makes the same remark… “Well, THAT’s interesting.” 


Apparently, my virtual desktop has just decided to take a nap, as it’s more or less fallen over.  All of my icons and their labels, my start menu and taskbar, are sideways. 


Of course, not knowing what buttons my boobs mashed, I have no way of knowing what I did or how.  And, so, never having had any experience with this particular glitch, I have to call the help desk and have them walk me through how to undo it. 


After the tech stops giggling, and asks a buddy for insight (apparently this is a new one on them, too), they come up with the solution:

Desktop à Right click à Graphics Options à Rotation à Normal. 

This is a bit easier said than done, since my mouse and arrow keys have become confused by the orientation.  But, I get it figured out, and it’s right as rain now.


My very next action as soon as I get myself situated properly again, is:

Desktop à Right click à Graphics Options à Hot Keys à Disable. 


That will teach my boobs to go off exploring my workstation on their own.

Bedroom Eyes

Monday, Monday...

So, Thursday night, Homebuddy goes to bed about early (which for him is about 11), and wakes up about an hour later puking.  I feel bad for him, but there's nothing I can do, and he goes back to bed.  He's up again at 3am, more puking.  Friday morning, he's miserable, can't get out of bed, and can't go to work.  Our neighbor (who's a medical professional) comes over and tells him he's got intestinal blockage, and if he doesn't pass it by the following morning, she's going to force him to go to the hospital.  Lucky for him, he goes the next morning, and limps along in recovering state through Saturday until he's well by yesterday.

But, as it turned out, we'd had more in common than I'd realized... Saturday night, I went to bed around midnight (which was early for me on a weekend), cause of not feeling quite right, after puking.  Twice.  I repeated this again at 2am.  And 3:30.  And 4:30.  And 5.  And every 15 minutes after that until the sun came up at 7am.  Then, like turning on a lightswitch, it was over.  I'd barely slept at all, was exhausted and achy, but the worst of it had past.   Come to exchange notes with Homebuddy, and, turns out, I'd had the same thing for lunch as he'd had on Thursday... guess neither of us will be eating THAT again.

The bathroom was a disastrous bio hazard, so I closed it until I could get some rest and take care of it, only to discover on Sunday that I wasn't as well as I'd have liked after that... It's easy to know you're not healthy when you're throwing up, or something equally disgusting from the south end, or worst case (as in mine), a dreadful combination of both, but when all that's over, I like to just get on with my life.  Unfortunately, a 103.1° temperature said otherwise.  Our same neighbor told me if it hadn't gone down in a couple hours, she was going to force me to go to the hospital, too. 

Got the fever down by midnight, and slept peacefully.  Thought I might try going to work today, but, it turns out, 24 hours with a violent illness, a dangerous body temp, and nothing to eat, makes me tired, achy, dizzy, and weak.  Work would be just too much right now.  I couldn't figure out, either, OMG, my ribs hurt, why do my ribs hurt so BAD?  Homebuddy reminded me it was the convulsions of that much vomitting.  I feel like I've been through a gang initiation gauntlet.

I've cleaned up the bathroom now, at least... that made me feel a lot better.  We've got the City of Hopkins coming to inspect our home this afternoon because our neighbor has reported that we have too many dogs, because our neighbor obviously CAN'T COUNT.  In many ways, though, I'm glad of this, because, he's called the police on us SIX times since we moved in here just six months ago, each time for ridiculous crap.  Our lawyer said there wasn't really much we could do about it if he was reporting legitimate city ordinance violations.  Now that we have at least 2½ false complaints on the books (in one case, he complained about construction material on the property that had been there 6 months before we moved in... it turns out it was a bit of insulation that it took the inspector walking around the entire property 3 times to find, and in another he said there was too much poop in our yard, but she didn't find any), so we might be able to file a harrassment complaint against him, and hopefully bring it to a stop. 

The former owner of this place says that nutty old bat has driven out mutliple previous tenants from here, which is why he finally decided to sell it, because he was tired of taking care of a proeprty proeprly, but not being able to keep good tenants in it because of a crazy stick-up-his-arse neighbor.  The good news, on some level (for us, anyway), I think, is, his wife is suffering from dementia, which means they'll be moving within the year, because he needs better care for her.

Anyway, that's about my day... going to go tackle the backlog of dishes now, clean up the catbox, and get rid of the recycling, so it doesn't look too much like we're alcoholics.  I just hate that we have to go to all this trouble just because someone else is so miserable in his life that he feels the need to make everyone else around him be, too.

French Maid

And now for a Public Service Announcement...

Transcript from a conversation this afternoon between myself (Me)

and some 

Random Strange *G*uy  on the Internet from *O*ut  *O*f  *N*owhere (GOON):


GOON: hello

Me: Do I know you?

GOON: nope my name is john i just saw you where online

Me: Where did you find me?

GOON: yahoo members

Me: What did you go looking for?

GOON: nothing realy i just looking to chat

Me: I mean, what was your criteria? You had to have done some sort of keyword search that led you to me.

GOON: it was female in mn, then i hit the box that said onlin

Me: Okay. Why were you looking in MN? Your profile says you live in WI?

GOON: sorry for bugging you. i live in western wi close to stillwater mn

Me: Okay. I used to hang out in Stillwater from time to time when I lived in Cottage Grove. Don't get over that way much these days, though.

GOON: cool. sorry to hear that

Me: Do you do a lot of random chatting with strangers?

GOON: sometime depending on how much time i have

Me: How does that usually work out for you?

GOON: No. Some time i meet real nice people.

Me: Do you mind if I give you a couple helpful tips?

GOON: sure

Me: Imagine that you're sitting at home, and the doorbell or the phone rings. You answer it, and a woman you don't know says,


GOON: ok

Me: You blink and stare blankly for a minute, and then ask,

“Can I help you?” and she says,

“I just thought I'd check to see if you were home... want to talk?”

Now, wouldn't your first thought be,

“Um, who the hell are you?”

GOON: yeh
GOON: sorry about that

Me: Okay, so, now imagine the same scenario, except, you're sitting at home alone, and, the phone or doorbell rings, and a woman you don't know says,

“Hi, my name is Jenny. You don't know me, but, I found out about you through " (fill in the blank) ", and I thought we might enjoy talking because we have " (fill in the blank) " in common.”

Now, would you react to that better?

GOON: yeh

Me: Well, that might be a better approach for you from now on, then.

GOON: ok

Me: You’d need to customize it to your specifics, of course... something like,

“Hi, my name is Mike, you don't know me, but, I did a search for women online in MN, because I live close to the border, and have a lot of time to kill on the road, and thought maybe I'd strike up a conversation with new folks I might have the potential to grab a coffee with someday when I'm bored on a trucking layover.

Would you care to chat?”

I’m surmising a lot of that, of course, based on the “bigrig” in your handle, since your profile is virtually blank and tells me nothing else about you other than you're married and into Nascar, but I’m sure you know what the correct details are, and could make appropriate adjustments as necessary. What do you think of that?

Me: Hello?


I do find it fairly unfortunate that he didn't take the opportunity to learn from this experience, maybe even train a few friends, so that maybe I wouldn't have to put up with this on an almost daily basis... and here I thought I was being patient and polite, and even teaching a man to fish instead of giving him one... oh, well... guess he only wanted canned tuna.  

Really, though, why DO men (or any folks, for that matter) think it's okay to do things on the internet they wouldn't dream of trying to get away with in person?  I suppose that's just the unfortunate effect anonymity has had on social graces... if your mama's not there to smack you, well...


...some people's kids, I swear.  What IS our culture coming to?


I'm really such a sensate...

I Love Storms

I love the visuals, the sounds, the smells... more than the way it feels on my skin, the drip of the soft rain on my face, my body... the whisper of the wind through the trees, the rustle of the leaves, the bright flash of light in the crackle of electricity blazing up the night sky... the aroma of fresh wet dirt, and the moisture of all that has been connected to the earth now returning to it, lingering in the air... I love what it does to my spirit.

Tonight I picked up an empty cardboard box of Blue Moon beer, with the intention of a task as simple as walking it outside to the recycling bin. I was barefoot, and, barely dressed, but, the song in the wind and the rain called to me, and, I couldn't help but to just keep walking.

I got to the end of the drive, and looked around at the little houses surrounding the cul de sac where we live, quiet in the night, but, radiating a vibrancy of life brighter than the handful of porch lights and warmly glowing living rooms that flickered in the deepening dusk. I kept a steady pace in the center of the lane where the smoothness of the road worn down by oil slicks looked almost stygian in the blackness, and, I closed my eyes and let my feet find the gentle path like nimbly stepping along the level stones of a river bed, and smiled, amused at myself for finding the beauty of nature even in the hardened mark of man.

I marveled, too, at how clearly the symphony of the evening rang out against the stillness of the secluded neighborhood, and, noted that I wouldn't hear such depths of those same tones in the city... I remember standing out on the sidewalk during a greater downpour early autumn of last year, while I was still just outside downtown... I wouldn't have had the guts to traverse dead center of a busy avenue there that night, or any other, for that matter. I contemplated my adult identification as a city girl, wondering how I got there, remembering growing up 17 miles out in the country on 10 acres of woods, where I knew every inch barefoot and blindfolded, and I realized, what I love about the city is the vibrancy of life.... so, yeah, I guess I really am an extrovert, after all, sometimes. But, as squeals of laughter pour forth from the front den of a nearby rambler while the circle of friends & family inside deal another round of cards, I realize, though I don't know anything about anyone there, and, for all I know they could be nothing like me or anyone I'm close to at all, for at least that moment, anyway, I'm certain that I truly love each and every one of them.

I had a lazy lilting conversation with an old friend today, and, in catching up on days long gone, among other things, we prattled on about whether or not I was happy. The truth is, I never strive to be happy. I strive to be content. What I guess I hadn't explained very well about that, though, because, sometimes words escape me, was that, I don't believe it isn't possible to be happy... I just don't want to cling so tightly to the idea of a permanent goal I can't possibly hang on to forever. Mainly because, happiness comes and goes, and, you can't expect it to stay. Maybe I've been made aware of the fact that you have to make the most of every moment by experiences in life which remind me that the next moment may never come. Maybe because I've been so close to a moment where the next one DIDN'T come, it taught me that you have to make the most of any happiness you have in the small doses it gets meted out sometimes, and otherwise adapt your perspective to accomodate around those moments when it is temporarily elusive, so that in the grand scheme of life, then, you can always be content, no matter what your circumstances.

But, tonight, laughing at myself dancing like a fool to the rhythm of the pulse of life, humming the refrain of a melody stuck in my head, soaked to the hide, and thankful that the neighbors were too unaware of me to bother to have the evidently intoxicated screwball in the street hauled off to either detox or the loony bin... I appreciated... RIGHT NOW, I'm truly happy. I didn't want that moment to end... If I could have, I would have stayed there all night, or at least until I had to pee, or began to get eaten alive by mosquitoes.... oh yeah, that's right... I am human, after all, aren't I?

*Sigh* ...oh well, then. Now back to the laundry, I guess.
French Maid

For your inquiring pleasure... And now for something completely different!


Weird things that pop into my head at the oddest times during chats
(Lyrics to a song I sang in choir 17 years ago... oh, wait, oh god, I CAN'T be that old...)


Please excuse us, mister, we don't want to bother,
we only want to know
All of us are neighbors, so we're very curious,
Why do you look so low?
Give us all the lowdown, did you reach a show-down
with your last lady love?
Give us all the lowdown, are you feeling letdown
cause you've lost your love? OH!

Did she keep you waiting, did she break your date?
Please elucidate, please elaborate!
Did she treat you badly, was she very bad?
Did she make you mad? Are you very sad?

Did she, did she keep you waiting?
Did she treat you very badly?
Are you really mad, are you so very sad?

Was she a very rich man's daughter
Who showed that she was not all you thought her?
When with your songs of love you sought her,
Were you dowsed with water poured down from above?

Did you beat her, try to choke her till you made her pout?
Did her father take a poker, did he throw you out?
Did you beat her and choke her and knock her all about? Ah!


Please elucidate! Please elaborate!
We are curious indeed!
Did she make you mad? Are you very sad?
We are curious indeed!
Was she bad? Are you sad?
Did she make you MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD?!!!!
Bedroom Eyes

A wild night at the Wilde Roast

I just wanted to say again to everyone I met this evening at tonight's Wog with whom I've not had the pleasure of socializing previously, what a joy it was to have made your acquaintances, and, to the few I did not get around to learning more about, I'm so sorry we did not get more personal time together, but I look forward to doing so at some point in the future.

To the greater group of everyone who attended, thank you so much for making it a large enough crowd where this might even have been an issue. And to those dear friends I have not seen in far too long, I apologize for not getting out more often, and, I miss you! Stay in touch!

I had an amazing time... delightful company in a beautiful setting... it was a good *Mick* night. Thanks to everyone who made it a lovely evening, and, to those just connecting for the first time with the face of KarmaSoup, now that you know who I am, don't be a stranger! I look forward to investigating our common ground further and to renewing and strengthening our association.

I love you all.
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