Tags: reflections

Lightly Exposed

Identity Crisis

Who Am I

Ah, yes, that is the age-old question, isn't?  Nothing like waxing philosophic and wrestling with giants while the clock ticks.  So, pardon me for taking the easy route, but, since I'm an LJ Idol virgin, and this is only the non-elimination intro, I'm going to start in a place where I've already begun, and use a previous piece as a preliminary drawing board baseline, reworking and expanding upon some of the concepts I put up years ago on OKCupid.

Who Am I?  I'm a short & sweet, smart & sassy, fun & frisky, cute & cuddly, friendly fat chick.

But that is just the outside, and I am more than the sum of my parts.

I'm a decent lover, and a devoted friend.

I'm an independent, progressive minded, strong-willed, forward-thinking, free-spirited, socially liberal, fiscally conservative, polysexual, semi-pseudo geek wannabe.  (My geek friends are way too uber-geeky to actually claim me in their ranks, though, the rest of the world would lump me into that category, mostly for irrelevant and relatively ignorant reasons that don't actually qualify me, but, that is another topic entirely, so, I won't digress there at this time.)

I guess I've never found too much need to put too much stock in the question "Who are you," or "What do you do?" in any literal sense, as there are so many different ways to discuss the answers, any one of which might actually do more to answer so much more about you than a simple reference to who signs your paychecks, or how.

Basically, in any number of ways, on any given day, one might asseverate that I could in fact to some extent easily be considered any of the following:

  • Poet

  • Writer

  • Comedian

  • Teacher

  • Artist

  • Politician

  • Philosopher

  • Analyst

  • Musician

  • Counselor

  • Consultant

  • Character

  • Technician

  • Actor

  • Mystic

  • Sage

  • Explorer

  • Lover

  • Friend

  • Companion

  • Accomplice

  • Connoisseur of Life, the Universe, and Everything. ;)

...and those are just a handful of things I don't get paid for.

Mostly, if you're really asking, I'm so much of a right-brainer that I'm surprised I don't just lean that way and fall over, though, on a less esoteric level, I'm basically a Rockstar wannabe, sometimes with a dayjob, sometimes with just a lot of daydreams, but, even so, I never seem to lack for anything I truly need, and rarely very much I long for.   Music is my first love, but anything that allows me to create something from nothing, to transform the mundane into

the extraordinary... this is my pursuit. 

I'm a romantic, but not hopeless, optimistic, but not senseless, and admittedly, an idealist, but not unrealistic or naive.  I just have an over-developed sense of a perfect world, and I choose to do what I can to fulfill the fantasy of getting as close to that model as possible, but it's not a vision I tend to linger in fulltime.

But there are deeper explanations for the ways in which I've described aspects of who I am.

  • ATTENTIVE - I wouldn't call myself the clingy type, but if you're in my inner circle, I don't miss too many details.  I notice what makes your life easier, happier, more fulfilling, and I make it a point to keep you surrounded by whatever facilitates that best, without giving myself away in the process.

  • INTUITIVE - Call it women's nature, or a certain 6th sense, but, it does sometimes suck to have a logical mind which requires one to examine all possibilities from every angle, knowing that most often the end results still inevitably come right back around to the first thought your gut put in your head from the very beginning.  Life has taught me that to do otherwise will become painfully regrettable, and, on the occasions I've thought to challenge the theory, I've been proved wrong once again, and often punished for it.

  • CANDID - Might be an East Coast thing, same might just call it bluntness, some injudiciously suggest it's rude, and, if you're a Midwesterner, you'll probably run screaming when I raise an eyebrow because you think surely the next step is for me to chase you with a battleaxe, but, you'll never wonder where you stand with me, and, generally, there's no reason that has to hurt. It's really okay, Minnesota... I can be honest about what I'm thinking AND be a nice person, too - I promise!

  • EFFICACIOUS - I do tend to get what I want in life.  I find a way.  Mother used to say about me... "Your Determination will be your saving grace in life if your Stubbornness doesn't kill you first."  Amusing way to spin the same trait to both extremes, but, it couldn't be more true.  Though, I prefer to think of it as unbridled tenacity.

  • INDULGENT - I believe we were put on this planet to be happy, and I don't intend to fail in achieving this purpose in my life.

  • EMPATHETIC - It's important to me to have an abiding understanding of our surroundings, even of how they affect those within them.

  • TACTILE - What can I say, I'm a touch slut... probably part of that whole indulgency thing.

  • VIVACIOUS - The caveat on this one is, when I want to be.  And, that's a lot, but, I do have to be in that mode.  I am in my way of living life always in some form audacious, though perhaps not always noticeably flamboyant.... only when circumstances warrant.

  • MAGNANIMOUS - It's important to me in life to rise above the little things that don't amount to much in the end.  I look to perceive life with a certain sense of timelessness - keep an outlook of the impact of my existence in terms of millenia, not, years and months, or even days and hours.  Most of the time, whatever it is... in the grand scheme of things, it probably just really doesn't matter all that much, and, once you put yourself in that perspective, it's just hard to hang onto pettiness over most minuteia of the daily monotony.  And when you find yourself letting it go, it unties your knots, and you can breathe.  You might say it's noble of me to live that way, but, really, it's just practical... probably another preservational side-effect part of being selfishly indulgent.

  • DEMIURGIC - I believe we're all individually responsible for manifesting our own destiny, and that we do so everyday, whether we understand how or what we do or not.  So, yes, overall, it fits to call me an “artist.”  But, that mentality goes beyond the general perception of the traditional representation — it is a state of mind, and even a way of life.  Anything you put a piece of your soul into is a part of you, and expresses something about who you are.  This belief is what has developed in me an appreciation for beauty and love in everything, and the willingness to look for and see the good in everyone.  It follows, then, that if you feel the same way about the world, in whatever form you may find it, then, all that you perceive, is also its own form of artistic creation, even yourself, as you develop who you are. In so doing for me, I am the goddess of my own life. 

But I don't live on a pedestal.

I do consider myself to be easy to talk to, and even easy to get along with, and, you wouldn't think so to read so much in-depth of what I wholeheartedly pour forth from my inner self, but, I'm also a very private person, and, although my mind is pretty much always open, I have been told that I can be hard to get to know at times, and I suppose that's probably true for some people. I'm not easily intimidated, and it's tough to offend me, but, sometimes I can come across as arrogant and unapproachable.  I AM arrogant.  I am NOT unapproachable, but, I AM picky.  I will give anyone the time of day for the sake of courtesy, and though a natural complaisance often has me continuing an initial interaction beyond the point after which it's obvious to me there's no real common ground between us, I'm still highly selective about who I let my guard down to, and I'm also quick to cut my losses, especially where there's been no foundation of trust established.

I am brutally honest, yet sensitive, diplomatic and tactful, and a genuinely good person.   (Some days I feel like one of the last of our kind.)  I'm compassionate with everyone, regardless of who they are or where they've come from, I'm generous to a fault with those who've gotten close to me, and I never abandon those I care about.  It does seem at times I must be more accommodating than I should be, since I've surely been taken for granted in the past.  That's been the fate of my nurturing nature so far, but, that's life.  Some are givers, and some are takers, but if what goes around truly comes around, then I certainly hope to balance out the karmic scales at some point down the road, not that I'd ever keep a general ledger, or anything... I believe life has a way of evening itself out the way it should. And besides, I wouldn't want to have to change that part of who I am just because people are people, and some are going to take advantage... I'd rather just choose to concentrate on those who won't, because I couldn't stand to let disillusionment bring an end to an already dying breed, so I make a conscious decision to maintain a path of intentional clemency.

I'm fairly straightforward.  What you see's pretty much what you're gonna get with me. I'm smarter than the average bear, for sure, more cultured and more enlightened than the average American, definitely, I'm guessing more well-rounded than your typical player, and, at least, judging from what I've found out there so far, probably more well-grounded than most, too.

I take my life seriously, myself lightly, and hold true to my my ideals:

  • Passion for Life

  • Vitality

  • Creative Expression

  • Genuine Companionship

  • Tenderness & Affection

  • Die-Hard Friendship

  • Optimism

And to my Creed:

  • Maintain a Profound Veneration of Humanity, Animals, and the Arts

  • Radiate Love in Every Act

I do not have a perfect body, a perfect soul, or a perfect life, but I am perfecting my mind, and I am perfection in my heart, because I am a gift of light and love.

As for first impressions, I don't generally feel the need to try and impress people.

Who am I?  I'm just me, if that's okay with you, and, I am what I am, even if it's not.

LJ Idol | Season 6 Intro Week - Topic: WHO AM I?
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A former roommate and good friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic, and has a magnet on her fridge with a little poem that's probably become one of the AA mantras or something, and, while some part of me thinks that should lessen the effect, since I've never really had any dependency or addiction issues, I can't help that any time I read it, or even think about it, I get emotional over what it means, because of longing to know how truly relaxed one could be in an interaction with another soul who is genuinely equal.

“Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.”

—Albert Camus

I can't imagine it in my head without feeling overwhelmed with a longing for that friend— one who is no better, no worse... who does not see him or herself as teacher or student or leader or follower, not wanting or needing anything, not taking or giving anything, just being... being the self that he or she is, evenly accepting everything about you that makes you who you are, and willingly being connected to the person you are, because it is his or her choice to be all that he or she is in the same space that you are being everything that you are, and, so, the two of you just take the journey of life that each of you will take, walking together, side by side, toward whatever you will find along the road.

When one stumbles, the other will reach out a hand to help get him or her picked up, dusted off, and back on his or her feet, with nothing more to say or do than to keep moving forward, and, it will always be natural for either to do so for the other, with no ulterior expectations between them that anything else should be necessary for either but to always be certain that the other is steadfast in the direction that he or she has chosen, because both have a desire for each other to always be able to do so.

How I long to believe that such a friend exists.

I'll be in my bunk....

...that's what I thought of saying when I walked back in the house a few minutes ago.

I love how nature calls to me.  A drop in barometric pressure has such a gripping effect on the body... my breasts are swollen solid, engorged as dense as firm softballs.  After stepping outside to close up my car windows from the summer shower, I stop back in to don a chemise that will cling to my form as damp beads of wet weather beat down upon my chest, and then head back out to worship the beauty of the mild tempest.  As the material becomes heavyladen with rain, the soaked fabric presses against my nipples, and the chill of the gently blustering current tightens them as perceptibly as an ice cube stroking gingerly along the curve of my shape.  Droplets of moisture trickle across my forehead, loitering on my lashes before drizzling down my cheeks to tickle my lips with their delicate touch, sweet and salty on my tongue.  There's something in the air... I can taste it.

It's getting to be that time of year again.  I can almost feel the throbbing of the drums and the groan of the dijeridu, smell the burning embers of a blazing bonfire, and hear the unsynchronized syncopated cadence of bare feet thumping their reverent dance of passion for life in the pitch of the wilderness equinox.

Ah, yes, autumn is coming...

Spiritual rebirth and sensual reawakening is just around the corner...

...oh, how I can hardly wait.

I'm really such a sensate...

I Love Storms

I love the visuals, the sounds, the smells... more than the way it feels on my skin, the drip of the soft rain on my face, my body... the whisper of the wind through the trees, the rustle of the leaves, the bright flash of light in the crackle of electricity blazing up the night sky... the aroma of fresh wet dirt, and the moisture of all that has been connected to the earth now returning to it, lingering in the air... I love what it does to my spirit.

Tonight I picked up an empty cardboard box of Blue Moon beer, with the intention of a task as simple as walking it outside to the recycling bin. I was barefoot, and, barely dressed, but, the song in the wind and the rain called to me, and, I couldn't help but to just keep walking.

I got to the end of the drive, and looked around at the little houses surrounding the cul de sac where we live, quiet in the night, but, radiating a vibrancy of life brighter than the handful of porch lights and warmly glowing living rooms that flickered in the deepening dusk. I kept a steady pace in the center of the lane where the smoothness of the road worn down by oil slicks looked almost stygian in the blackness, and, I closed my eyes and let my feet find the gentle path like nimbly stepping along the level stones of a river bed, and smiled, amused at myself for finding the beauty of nature even in the hardened mark of man.

I marveled, too, at how clearly the symphony of the evening rang out against the stillness of the secluded neighborhood, and, noted that I wouldn't hear such depths of those same tones in the city... I remember standing out on the sidewalk during a greater downpour early autumn of last year, while I was still just outside downtown... I wouldn't have had the guts to traverse dead center of a busy avenue there that night, or any other, for that matter. I contemplated my adult identification as a city girl, wondering how I got there, remembering growing up 17 miles out in the country on 10 acres of woods, where I knew every inch barefoot and blindfolded, and I realized, what I love about the city is the vibrancy of life.... so, yeah, I guess I really am an extrovert, after all, sometimes. But, as squeals of laughter pour forth from the front den of a nearby rambler while the circle of friends & family inside deal another round of cards, I realize, though I don't know anything about anyone there, and, for all I know they could be nothing like me or anyone I'm close to at all, for at least that moment, anyway, I'm certain that I truly love each and every one of them.

I had a lazy lilting conversation with an old friend today, and, in catching up on days long gone, among other things, we prattled on about whether or not I was happy. The truth is, I never strive to be happy. I strive to be content. What I guess I hadn't explained very well about that, though, because, sometimes words escape me, was that, I don't believe it isn't possible to be happy... I just don't want to cling so tightly to the idea of a permanent goal I can't possibly hang on to forever. Mainly because, happiness comes and goes, and, you can't expect it to stay. Maybe I've been made aware of the fact that you have to make the most of every moment by experiences in life which remind me that the next moment may never come. Maybe because I've been so close to a moment where the next one DIDN'T come, it taught me that you have to make the most of any happiness you have in the small doses it gets meted out sometimes, and otherwise adapt your perspective to accomodate around those moments when it is temporarily elusive, so that in the grand scheme of life, then, you can always be content, no matter what your circumstances.

But, tonight, laughing at myself dancing like a fool to the rhythm of the pulse of life, humming the refrain of a melody stuck in my head, soaked to the hide, and thankful that the neighbors were too unaware of me to bother to have the evidently intoxicated screwball in the street hauled off to either detox or the loony bin... I appreciated... RIGHT NOW, I'm truly happy. I didn't want that moment to end... If I could have, I would have stayed there all night, or at least until I had to pee, or began to get eaten alive by mosquitoes.... oh yeah, that's right... I am human, after all, aren't I?

*Sigh* ...oh well, then. Now back to the laundry, I guess.